Thursday was the best day of riding so far for this trip!  I left Greenville after a wonderful visit with incredible friends and headed for a visit with great friends in Wilmington NC.  It was also the first day that I took my time, reflected, and wrote in the journal.  Excellent.

One of the challenges of journaling and riding is trying to remember all of the salient musings in order to capture them in writing when I do pull over.  This leads to a sequence of events like the ones I experienced that day.  Here's a brief description of what that looks like: 

1.  Ride
2. Think
3. Come up with brilliant idea(s)
4. Try to remember these little mental nuggets
5. Make up a mnemonic to promote recall
6. Think of new idea(s)
7. Realize I can't remember that many ideas at one time
8. Pull over
9. Dig journal out of saddlebag
10. Write in journal
11. Put journal away
12. REMEMBER TO CLOSE SADDLE BAG (can you tell I've forgotten this step a few times?)
13. Five minutes or so down the road, realize that I didn't adequately capture some of the previous thoughts OR new thoughts that just came up
14. Repeat steps 7-13 as often as necessary....

Let's see a real life example:

In my last blog posting, I think I chose a few words poorly.  (Alright, all you English majors stop snickering - I know what your thinking; "He thinks he only chose a few words poorly?")  I may have intimated that I was full of self-loathing.  I really was trying to enumerate various manifestations of depression, knowing that some people do go down that particular rabbit hole.  I heard some feedback on that entry and wanted to let you know that I'm not hating on myself...

Okay, okay, let's get back to the process...

I'm riding down the road.  Now, let me try to give you a visual...  I'm riding with no radio, iPod, or soundtrack of any kind.  Well, that's not necessarily true.  I do spend a fair amount of time singing out loud while I cruise down America's backroads and the song that emerged from my lips Thursday was 'Across the Universe' by the Beatles.  As I was singing, I became acutely aware of the lyrics in the refrain...  "Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world..."  After a fashion, I pulled over and wrote the following entry in my journal:  "YES! NO THING is going to change my world - only I can do that!!!!"  I really like this conclusion; however, it's exactly that - a CONCLUSION.

In order to arrive at this conclusion, I had to mull over it's germination...  As I first considered these lyrics, I thought to myself, "Nothing's gonna change my world?  This means that I am doomed to live out the rest of my life mired in the struggles which I have illuminated within this blog...  Essentially, I'm destined to be what I've always been."   As that fatalistic idea coalesced in brain, I literally sank into my seat.  I'm doomed, I thought...

But you know what?  IF I am truly 'doomed' to be ME for the rest of my life, I thought to myself, this is a good thing - remember, as I hope I've said previously, I like myself.  I like who I am.  I'm kind, generous, considerate, fun to be around, self-aware, etc.  I do like who I am, I just want to be better...  I want to be a better friend, father, companion, student, and lover.  But, most of all, I want to be a better teacher.  My students deserve nothing but the best.  ALL students deserve nothing but the best.  Teaching is not a profession in which one should dabble. 

I'm going to end it there for today, because this issue is so important to me...  Once we begin this conversation, there is going to be a lot to say, and today's entry is long and boring enough already....

Now get out there and live! 

Much love.

This morning, I leave the warm embrace of a family I love as much as my own.  Dean and Jennifer Smith (as well as Sam and Jake!) are some of the most generous, loving, giving people you could ever hope to call friends.  I could stay here forever enjoying cribbage, pool, golf, sudoku, reading bedtime stories, even playing video games!  Thanks, you guys, for taking me into your beautiful home....

I spent most of the night in bed thinking and trying to sort some things out.  Wait!  What am I doing?  Before I get to ME, let me thank a few other people.  Many of you have reached out to me or just offered words of support or thanks or have shared stories of your own.  THIS is the reason I created this blog.  I hoped that my truths may resonate with some who perhaps felt that they were alone in their own struggles - I can assure you that you are NOT!!!!  In my career as a teacher, I have always been open and honest with my students about my humanness (okay, so I made that word up - sue me!), letting them into my life in a way that I know most teachers don't.  [Please note I am not criticizing other educators here; we all have to go about our business in our own way.  For me, it just does not work for me if I can't be myself.  Has this cost me as a teacher?  Absolutely.  Has it helped me to reach and help students who I may not have if I wasn't this way?  Absolutely.  I will take that trade-off any day of the week.]

It is often dangerous to single people out at the risk of omitting others, but there are two former students of mine who have written me voluminously and openly, each bringing torrents of tears to my eyes.  THANK YOU SO MUCH, Tommy and Elena.  Your words of encouragement, respect, and admiration have lifted me these past 24 hours.  I am proud of the people you are and I am encouraged for our future with such intelligent, thoughtful, and caring people such as you. 

I was going to write a little bit today about the differences I perceive between sadness and depression.  There are many days that I am filled with extreme joy because of the people I am with and the activities in which I am engaged.  I am happy, smiling, silly, fun to be around, and seem to be living my life with enthusiasm.  All of this can be true even while the underlying feelings of self-loathing, fear, and regret are occupying my deeper thoughts.  Depression can be like a dormant virus, triggered by the most innocuous events - or no event at all.  For every evening I've spent in the joyous company of friends, I have spent three alone at home sunken into my easy chair.  I delude myself by saying that this is the way that extroverts recharge.  While this may be true, I am really not being honest with myself when I engage in this kind of subterfuge.

Finally, before I get on the road from Greenville, SC to Wilmington, NC, just know that your best friend, teacher, family member, or other loved one can appear to be perfectly 'normal' (Damn, I hate that word!!!) on the outside, while dealing with a maelstrom of the inside.  Please, take the time to really know the people you love and to be there for them.  I am fortunate that I have that in my life.

Peace and love to you all.  I take the the road today, still seeking my balance.  I'll let you know how it goes.

First of all, thank you for all of the positive feedback I've received on Facebook.  Many of you said that you liked the blog and felt like I was off to a good start.  Please don't hesitate to leave comments in this forum as well.  Thank you!

Let me go back to the comment about being a good start.  I realize that attaining positive mental health is a long and ongoing process.  As I thought about the comments that I made in my first post regarding the genesis and inspiration for this blog, I realized that I need to take it further; to be more specific about the obstacles that I (we?) face in the journey toward happiness.

The bottom line for me is that I am constantly stuggling with depression.  No, that's not true.  I am paralyzed by depression.  It impacts every facet of my life - career, relationships, outlook, hope for the future, friendships, family, etc.  It is a huge black cloud and I know that I am not the only one who faces this demon on a daily basis.  One of the reasons I started this blog is to let people know they are not alone in this battle.  I don't know how I can help them - or if they will be able to help me, but I've long maintained that I am an open book.  Well, talking about my innermost fears and shortcomings is one way to prove that I truly am an open book.  (I'm not sure I like the word 'prove' in that sentence... I don't think I have anything to prove to anyone, but I am just going to let it all hang out like I always seem to do.)  To quote one of my favorite philosophers - Popeye - "I yam what I yam."  In the final analysis, I like who I am, I just don't know how to... 

How to what?  Live?  Be happy?  Excel?  Handle pressure, rejection, confusion, uncertainty?  I just don't quite know how to put my finger on 'my problem.'

I've still got a few more weeks on the road and many miles to travel with nothing to do but think.  To date, this trip has been filled with deadlines, hustle and bustle, and places to be.  The next few legs of the trip will be mine to do what I want, when I want.  And, for me, when I'm on a motorcycle road trip, that means taking my time.  Looking at things.  Taking pictures.  Writing in my journal.  Just taking it all in and thinking.  So, I may sort things out yet on this trip, but as I said previously, this is a continual process.  It would be unrealistic to think that this trip will resolve things - I know better than to make a pronouncement like that.  No, this trip will be a small part of the journey on the road to mental health.

Let me see where I am so far in this blogging process...  I've talked a little bit about why I'm here and what I hope to gain from the trip.  I've acknowledged that solving my problems is a complex and ongoing process.  And I've attempted to directly identify the root of my issues - depression.

But for now, I'm going to take a nap.  One of my symptoms is chronic fatigue.  Of course, nothing is ever easy with me.  In addition to depression, I'm also afflicted with Sleep Apnea, and really don't get restorative sleep at night.  I've nodded off at least 5 times while typing this, so I'd better wrap this up before I fall asleep for good and lose all of this wonderful, insightful prose...  :)

I'll be back.  I promise.  I don't know when and I don't know what I'll have to say, but I promise you it will be the truth.

All the best.

I apologize.

I apologize if you've come to this blog seeking intelligence, insight, inspiration, or instant gratification.

If, however, you are a fan of introspection, innocuous fun, and incessant inanity, you may have come the right place.  That, dear friend, is for you to decide...

Now, I have no idea of why you might be reading this blog, but let me tell you a little bit about why I am writing it.  So, close your eyes, sit back, and I'll take you on a journey into my brain.  It can be a dark and scary place, so please keep your arms and hands inside the ride at all times; your mind, however, should be free to wander...

When I was a wee lad, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life.  I married young, had two wonderful children, Kenny and April, and we struggled together through growth, change, and limited finances.  I sought a simple lifestyle and anticipated that I'd be married for a zillion years - just like my parents.  Well, things didn't work out that way.  I failed to appreciate and honor my beautiful wife, Karen, and our relationship ended badly in 2002.

Here I am ten years later, as lost as I was the day she inevitably - and rightly - asked for a divorce.

As many have before me, I sought solace in movement; being on the road and seeking experiences to fill my emptiness.  My first cross-country motorcycle trip was a revelation.  I spent 4800 miles and 25 days crossing the country; ultimately returning to my family in upstate NY.  I did not, however, find the happiness there that I thought I might.  I returned to CA in 2003 and pursued a career as a teacher.  (MUCH MORE ON THIS LATER)  At the time, I thought I'd travel the country on my motorcycle in the summers and teach the rest of the year.  Alas, that was not meant to be...  I married again and footloose freedom was not in the plans... 

Unfortunately, another divorce begat another round of soul-searching (or perhaps just a continuation of the first round).  After two years of teaching incessantly days and evenings, it was time for movement.  Again.

So, here I am.  I hope Willie Nelson will pardon me saying so, but I'm on the road again...  Still searching, learning, growing, experiencing, and... suffering.

I'm currently about 6000 miles into this motorcycle road trip with about that same distance to go before I return 'home' to Southern California.  I've got lots of stories, pictures, and observations to share with you and I hope many more to come.  In the meantime, I've probably bored you enough for today, so I'll sign off until my next entry.

As I try to tell my students each time they leave my classroom, I hope you have the best day ever!

Carpe Diem.