This morning, I leave the warm embrace of a family I love as much as my own.  Dean and Jennifer Smith (as well as Sam and Jake!) are some of the most generous, loving, giving people you could ever hope to call friends.  I could stay here forever enjoying cribbage, pool, golf, sudoku, reading bedtime stories, even playing video games!  Thanks, you guys, for taking me into your beautiful home....

I spent most of the night in bed thinking and trying to sort some things out.  Wait!  What am I doing?  Before I get to ME, let me thank a few other people.  Many of you have reached out to me or just offered words of support or thanks or have shared stories of your own.  THIS is the reason I created this blog.  I hoped that my truths may resonate with some who perhaps felt that they were alone in their own struggles - I can assure you that you are NOT!!!!  In my career as a teacher, I have always been open and honest with my students about my humanness (okay, so I made that word up - sue me!), letting them into my life in a way that I know most teachers don't.  [Please note I am not criticizing other educators here; we all have to go about our business in our own way.  For me, it just does not work for me if I can't be myself.  Has this cost me as a teacher?  Absolutely.  Has it helped me to reach and help students who I may not have if I wasn't this way?  Absolutely.  I will take that trade-off any day of the week.]

It is often dangerous to single people out at the risk of omitting others, but there are two former students of mine who have written me voluminously and openly, each bringing torrents of tears to my eyes.  THANK YOU SO MUCH, Tommy and Elena.  Your words of encouragement, respect, and admiration have lifted me these past 24 hours.  I am proud of the people you are and I am encouraged for our future with such intelligent, thoughtful, and caring people such as you. 

I was going to write a little bit today about the differences I perceive between sadness and depression.  There are many days that I am filled with extreme joy because of the people I am with and the activities in which I am engaged.  I am happy, smiling, silly, fun to be around, and seem to be living my life with enthusiasm.  All of this can be true even while the underlying feelings of self-loathing, fear, and regret are occupying my deeper thoughts.  Depression can be like a dormant virus, triggered by the most innocuous events - or no event at all.  For every evening I've spent in the joyous company of friends, I have spent three alone at home sunken into my easy chair.  I delude myself by saying that this is the way that extroverts recharge.  While this may be true, I am really not being honest with myself when I engage in this kind of subterfuge.

Finally, before I get on the road from Greenville, SC to Wilmington, NC, just know that your best friend, teacher, family member, or other loved one can appear to be perfectly 'normal' (Damn, I hate that word!!!) on the outside, while dealing with a maelstrom of the inside.  Please, take the time to really know the people you love and to be there for them.  I am fortunate that I have that in my life.

Peace and love to you all.  I take the the road today, still seeking my balance.  I'll let you know how it goes.