Another tough week.  I just don't know how I can keep putting myself out there and getting knocked down over and over and over again.  As some of you know, I had an interview on Monday at a school only 17 miles from my humble abode.  I thought it went really well.  Made everyone laugh at least once.  Heads nodding in furious agreement with many of my statements.  Hadn't heard anything as of yesterday, so I called.  Was told that phone calls would be made today.  No call for me.  Spent the day online applying for even more jobs.  I'm just over this process.  I am ready to give up.

Today is a better day.  I slept under the stars again last night and awoke to an incredible sunrise.  I couldn't help feeling insignificant looking up at the vast cosmos, but the thought did not dissuade me from the plan that I would have a productive Saturday.  So far I have washed the dishes, taken out the trash, hung up and put away the laundry, cleaned up some clutter, and applied for two jobs on line.  I may even make my bed!  (Whoa, big fella, let's not get crazy...)

I know that each day I choose to do what I want with it.  I knew that I was wasting my days two weeks ago when I spent one morning watching Let's Make a Deal, The Price is Right, and... Jerry Springer, followed by  Maury Povich!!!!  Enough!  They say you need to reach rock bottom before you can start working your way back, and I'd say a slovenly day watching chicks pull each other's hair on national TV is about as close to rock bottom as you can get.

I also feel buoyed today by the outreach of support from people I love and respect.  I heard from so many people, friends, relatives, students - people who showed me that I do matter, that I am not just an insignificant speck in the universe.  Now, I am going to reward myself by watching some golf on TV.   I can see you out there shaking your heads - don't do it!  Don't go down the rabbit hole of watching television ad nauseum...  Well, I planned my day this way...  Productive this morning, golf now, and later I am going to grill boneless skinless chicken breasts and steam some asparagus and eat healthy.  I am trying to take control of my life and make better decisions.

I promise I will try to write every day and let you know how I am doing.  I know honesty is the best policy and I know that I can't hide from my issues.  I hope that I continue to hear from you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your ongoing love and support.  A special thanks to Phil, Billy, Cheryl the Squirrel, Melody, Oren, Georgia, Stephanie, Frankie, Annie, Michael, Linda, Connie, Joe, and Zach.  I love you all and I my life is so much better for your strength and courage.

I hope you all have the best day ever - mine is not so bad.

Peace out.

It's been an interesting past week...  Filled with some productive activity (2 job interviews), a hike, some meteor-shower gazing, some spreadsheet work, blah blah blah...

Okay, the preceding paragraph was written over 10 days ago (I just added the blah, blah, blah to finish it off).  In truth, I haven't been productive at all.  I didn't get either of the jobs I interviewed for, my unemployment benefits have expired (6 weeks early - who knows why?), due to sequestration cuts, I am eligible for continued benefits at a 17% reduction, I've met a couple of people through on-line dating, and none of that is working out either (speaking of working out, I am managing to gain weight, so I've got that going for me), and I've made little to no progress on my dissertation.  In short, I'm sinking further into depression than I ever have been before. I've set myself up for success by sequestering myself here in the desert, yet that also means failure will ultimately be that much more devastating.

My life is not working for me right now and I need to make changes.  I know this.  I am so stuck that I just don't do the things I need to do.  I am pulling the plug on the TV next week - I wasn't strong enough to just ignore it, so I called the cable company and asked them to suspend my service for a month.  I've been watching tons of Stanley Cup playoffs, NBA playoffs, and SportsCenter, but nary a news program.  I heard recently that three women escaped captors in Cleveland, but I know none of the details.  It's time for me to make real changes, ones that will actually produce results.  It sucks to be shunned and alone.  I can tell you that for sure.  I've never felt so unproductive, unloved, or unwanted in all my life - and I have been divorced twice.  Last night, I finally dragged Mandy's air mattress out onto the patio to sleep under the stars, and it was wonderful.  I was going to do it again tonight, but it rained for the second time in 3 nights, if you can believe that.  Perhaps it's just a metaphor for my pathetic life.

Rather than blathering on about my piss-poor attitude, I think I'll just cut this short and spare you all the crap; I'm not certain anyone is reading this anymore anyway.  Hopefully, I can make some productive changes in my life and I will write about them soon.  If not, you probably won't be hearing from my for awhile.

Good night.