Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!  It's been some time since I last wrote.  Since then, I've seen my urologist, discussed my prognosis/diagnosis, talked about the CAPA diet, and he's ordered up another biopsy for next Thursday, December 26.  Regardless of the outcome, life is good.

I was telling someone the other day that this is the first time in the last 13 years that I love where I live, and where I work.  

Think about that.  

I'm not quite sure what this says about me, but I know that I am blessed, lucky, happy, fortunate - whatever words you want to choose. Have I, as my hero Thereau said, been "... leading a life of quiet desperation"?

How could I have gotten by these past 13 years without being happy?  I suppose that the title of this blog has something to do with that - or is it vice versa?  Now, the way my feeble brain works, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I get a lot of love at work from my boss, my peers, my students, and parents.  Shouldn't this be good enough?  The one nut I've yet to crack (so to speak) is the big boss in the corner office.  He's admitted to us that he is terrible at feedback and recognition.  So where does this leave me?  It leaves me like millions of other Americans who don't know from one minute to the next if there job is secure or not.  I just have to press on doing the best I can do and believing that the rest will take care of itself.

Well, holiday season is upon us and I'm leaving tomorrow to visit friends in LA tomorrow night (well, after I wrap up my class in Murrietta at 10PM).  The upshot is that I've got packing to do, presents to pack, and a soak in the bathtub in my near future.  Those damn antibiotics do a number on me and I can't believe I have to take them again next week :(

I'll write again over the holidays and perhaps even weigh in on the holidays themselves.  Christmas day will be spend quietly at home (I'm quite OK with that...) prepping for my procedure on Thursday.

Be well everyone - and hug your loved ones!!!

I was reflecting on just how tired I was this week.  The analogy I finally settled on was that making it to the finish line of a school term/break/summer vacation/four day weekend/three day weekend - heck, sometimes just to Friday was that of a runner.  You know your objective is to give all your energy to get to the finish line with nothing left in the tank and your best effort behind you.  So, you happily make it to that point, but realize all of your energy is behind you.  This calls for serious down time.

Now, please let me be clear, I'm talking not just about teachers, but all working folk out there who give their best effort each day (don't know about you, bur for me, some days are better than others - I freely admit this...) powering through and doing incredible things while managing your gas tank to the finish...

Whew...  Made it.  Nice...  Now, give me a day or two to recoup, then a few to go, go, go, enjoy, live, experience, laugh, live, love, be...

Then, a day to work.  One good, solid day with no distractions and total concentration.  For me, I have targeted this Friday as my productive schoolwork day.  I have a lot to catch up on.

So, today was supposed to be a road trip up to Santa Barbara, but I just couldn't muster the energy.  Yesterday, a power outage at my house (the third in two days - that's what you have tolerate living in the middle of nowhere...) threw me off whack, but it did impel me to the laundromat, where I took care of my business and I now have about 30 pairs of underwear and 60 pairs of socks after my latest spending spree - socks and unders at La Target.  Stella helped me pick them out, but all she seemed interested in were the Beats headphones.  Good times whenever Stella and Poppy are on the loose!!

So, I found an extra day in this week's schedule to do some work, watch some football, enjoy a fire in my woodburning stove (yep - it's that time of the year in the desert, and, if you recall, I have no heat, just the stove - which, by the way is awesome!!!!  I am going to have to move some furniture because the stove and file cabinet are a little too cozy for my taste.  Luckily, Tina is cruising out this coming weekend.  This is good - and bad.  Good, cuz I get to hang out with my dear friend, Tina.  Secondly, because she is an excellent interior decorator type, while I am, well, hmmm...  Let's just not go there, okay?

The bad?  Now I have to clean this place up.  That was a plan for one of these vacation days, but now the cheese is a little more binding.... Which, I think means that things are getting a little more serious - especially for those living in Wisconsin.  Ooh.  That reminds me - I need to call my uncle Jack.

See you tomorrow, Mark, and Gioia.  Can't wait!

This is also the first time I've written since the passing of my friend, Waldo.  I just realized that as I put up the other post.  I've got a lot more to say about Waldo - and I promise I will, but now a nice fire awaits me.  I am looking at a picture of Waldo, my brother Dan, and I enjoying just such an event down in 'the valley.'

See you soon, I hope.

So, I haven't written in a while, and not sure what I would have had I done so...  See?  This is the kind of pithy stuff that you stop by to read, isn't it?

Today was a bad day.  Just a lot of things going on.  Working too many hours/jobs. Trying find time to visit April/Grant/Stella.  Trying to find time to date.  Trying to find time to relax.  Trying to visit friends and not be a hermit.  Trying to figure out how to deal with cancer.  It's all so... trying.

So, why was today so bad among all these other days?  I'm not sure, but I know one thing in particular is bugging me...  I'm not sure what kind of person I am.  I am not sure if I am the friend who is there when needed or if I am more the loner who sequesters himself away from friends and family and humanity.  So, maybe I'm just getting a dose of karma from those who I consider friends.  I know, I know, get to the point! I will!!!

This is a health-related diatribe... Approx. 4 years ago, I had an elevated PSA and my prostate biopsy showed some 'suspicious' cells.  I've been monitoring my PSA levels on and off for the past few years and my PSA has spiked to 8 times the acceptable level, and a recent ultrasound showed that my prostate is enlarged.  Soooo...  I'm told by the experts that I have prostate cancer and now I'm awaiting  a visit with the specialist (thank you HMO referral process!).  My doctor (who I've yet to see) has also put me on a strict diet called the CAPA diet (the acronym refers to NO Caffeine, NO Acids/Citrus, NO Peppers/Spices, and NO Alcohol).  Well, any way you slice it, this just sucks. I've also been put on antibiotics and my pharmacist has warned my off any kind of dairy during the week's course of Cipro 500mg.  Yuck.  Not sure what's left I can eat.

Sooo...  This is all contributing to my funk today, but the real reason I'm down is that I've called a couple of friends who have been through this process already and I really wanted to get some advice... The problem is, they haven't called me back.  So, this is where I wonder again if I'm a poor friend, a nuisance, not worth the time, or what.  These are people I know, love, respect, and trust.  A conversation with them would do wonders to help me know what's ahead and the things I should/shouldn't do, questions I should ask, warning signs, etc.

I don't know, maybe they will call someday.  In the meantime, I'm trying (and for the most part I've been successful) at keeping depression at bay.  I love my job - although I have more energy some days than others.  They know about my health situation at work, so that's good, and my co-workers are phenomenal; as is my boss.  As for HER boss, well that's another story for another time...

For now, I'm heading out to the 'yard' to have a fire and a mental health break.  Wish me luck.

So, I must say that the previous entry is emblematic of my thought processes...  One of the things I wanted to do was to give myself some props for slowly weaning myself off of TV.  I am watching less and less and that's a good thing.

Of course, I didn't give myself any props.  Quite the contrary, thank you very much.  I thought about all the things I need to do better.  Well, it's not all bad...

Now that the weather has turned and hiking season is upon us, I can't wait to get out there and see some cool shit.

Later.

Semi-Quarterly advisory:  This blog is best when consumed from it's inception in September 2012 (Two Thousand Twelve), otherwise some stuff may not make sense - this is by no means an express or written promise that any of the following material makes sense, in any way, shape, or form.

So, I'm slowly adjusting to adulthood.  I really, really, really, really need to protect my energy.  This is a lesson I seem destined to learn year after year.  Already, I'm back in the University of Phoenix 'rotation.' I've already responded to two emergency "Help! We need an instructor" e-mails.  I will make some good money doing so over the next 2 months.  It's just enough money that I can pay off more than one creditor.  "So, I've got that going for me..."  Aside to self - not a bad idea to watch Caddyshack every 6 months or so.  Add The Big Lebowski to that list.  The dude, I've heard said... abides.

Okay, I'm back from that slight detour down Movie Road.  Oh, yeah, that reminds me - I'm teaching a Cinema Club! extracurricular activity.  We are exploring movies, movie production, special effects, post-production, distribution, etc.  We spent two weeks talking about animation and yesterday, we started watching Nightmare Before Christmas.

Okay, apparently that route down Movie Road was longer than I thought...  We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming:

Saying "No" has always been a challenge for me.  This sometimes gets me into trouble; although sometimes it gets me into adventures, then trouble; sometimes it's trouble followed by adventure...  Anyway.  I have to be careful about setting boundaries is what I'm saying... That means at school with giving students money - a dollar here and a dollar there add up - or even if it's just sharing my snacks.  I don't want to sent that precedent...

As for UOP, I am steadfastly maintaining only one class per month.  I can afford one night a week.  THAT IS IT!

Otherwise, I'm doing okay with my energy for my students.  This is the important thing for me.  I enjoy and look forward to my weekly visits from most of my students. There are a few that I haven't really forged a bond with at this point. I'm still learning each and every day how to do my job better and better.  I have to commit to putting in the the work...  I need to get better.  Better lessons.  Better engagement with ALL students.  I've been able to connect with a few, but I'm still working on improving my relationship with a few.  I am excited to say that I helped one of my students land a job!  That is so cool.  We collaborated on interviewing, resumes, follow-up, even the Elevator Speech.  She did great!

As for me, being prepped with assignments is the best defense I've seen against me freaking out.  Issuing weekly report cards after the first month, I think, will help my students understand that there is a HUGE difference between eking out a perfunctory contribution on their homework vs. quality, scholarly work.  I need to ask for improved effort and now is the time for that.

NEWSBREAK:  Okay, I'm back.  Where did I go, you ask?  I left you to type a note on my cell phone (why do I do that, when I'm sitting right here in front of a computer????)  Anyway, I was e-mailing my boss to ask her advice for improving my performance.  I do pretty well with feedback (I think, anyway...)

So, I'm going to leave this for the evening.

Okay, now for this next part, close your eyes and picture Dana Carvey doing George H. W. Bush... (Well, don't close your eyes literally, because then you couldn't read this next part.  Just metaphorically close your eyes, then conjure up the voice while I wrap up with a few Dana/George bullet points.

Be an adult.
Get better.
Every day.
Work at it.
But, but...
Protect energy!


Good night, all.

Mr. P

I rode my Harley yesterday :)

Now those have got to be five of my favorite words in the whole, wide, world!

They are a damn sight better than "Sat inside and did nothing."

Of course, I've been there, too.  Just happen to like life a little better than that right now.

I'm fighting the battle with the TV, and I am happy to report that I am winning!!!  Yay for me!  Don't get me wrong, the baseball playoffs have begun and football season is in full swing.  But... I'm rejecting non-interesting TV fare (an improvement over watching whatever was on for hours at a time...)  Case in point: Saturday morning. I was up, puttering around, trying to shake the cobwebs loose.  I had taught a class Friday night in San Bernardino (more on my evening schedule later...) and was just getting my Saturday morning bearings.  I made myself some breakfast and was surfing the channels to see what games were on. At just about that time (9AM), I noticed that there was not a breath of wind and bright sunshine outside the door...

That made for an easy decision, as was the destination.  I decided I'd head out to the Amboy Crater.  I'd like to tell you lots of pertinent facts about the crater, but all I remember is that it was a result of a meteorite contact into the ground.  When I got to the meteor, I had been thinking all morning - shock and surprise, right!??!  I decided that the crater would be the perfect location to record a video for my students; so I did.  It took me 7 takes and one perfect take in which I failed to turn on the camera!  Oh, well.  The result wasn't perfect, but it was heartfelt and personal and that's more important to me...

The ride was relatively short, but it was breathtaking and scenic.  I can see why Wonder Valley got it's name... when you crest the ridge coming from Amboy, the view is sweeping and majestic...  The ride was brief (about 140 miles) and right in my wheelhouse for speed... I let about a dozen cars pass me by so I could maintain a nice 55 MPH pace with no one riding my bumper pressing to make time...

Once back at the house, I made a plan to ride again on Sunday - which I did.  None of the games being played (NCAA/NFL/MLB) were compelling enough to deter me from (as my brother Danny likes to say) getting my knees in the breeze.  Sunday morning was a short ride to work, where I intended to spend 2-3 hours getting some grading done...  Instead, I got a phone call from one of my students who was in a spot of panic.  She wanted to know if I could talk to her grandfather... I said, "I'm at the school, bring him around!"  We spent about an hour talking about her courses and her schedule, then I spent another hour on grading. Finally, I left the school with the intention of looping through Joshua Tree National Park on my way home...

Great plan, but one catch - the North Entrance - the one I'd loop out of the park on, was closed due to a slide.  Probably the same one that deposited 4-6 inches of mud on my patio 3 weeks ago... Oh, well.  I rode into the park and turned around just shy of Hidden Valley.  The view on that end of the park is dominated by the incredible Wonderland of Rocks, so that didn't suck.  I got home, watched some football, and graded some more papers.  Life is good.

On that note, I'm going to head to the land of Nod.  Good night all.  The Crown Royal and Ginger Ale is kicking in right about now.  I'm beating this cold one way or another!  (Oh, forgot to mention how sick I got this week... one of the joys of teaching!)

Hoping to have some news on the dating front next time I write... Stay tuned, ya'll.

And.... I'm back!

Can't necessarily say I am better, because what is 'better' anyway? Better than what?  I'm the same person I've always been - probably always will be - but, now I have a job.  Why is it that working makes us feel so much better about ourselves?

In my case, I am really fortunate, because I love my new job.  Not every day, not every minute, but I do love what I do and the main thing is I get to help people.  That is really cool.  And these are people just like me pretty much.  They fit in, but not like the proverbial round peg in the round hole... No, we find ways to fit in to society, not by bending to their rules and expectations, but by carving out our own niche.  My 'sabbatical' last year was the second such break from full time employment I've taken since I was 18 and in the Air Force. That's not 'normal' and people have subtle ways of reminding us 'different' folk that we are just a tad outside the mainstream...

No matter. I'm happy. I'm healthy.  I'd like to be a little thinner, but meh.  I'll have to ask my friend Billy how he dropped 20 pounds over the summer.  All that manual labor at the camps, no doubt.

Well, I have to go.  I have college students waiting for me to dispense pearls of wisdom.  I suppose I've got a few :)

Later, ya'll.

Another tough week.  I just don't know how I can keep putting myself out there and getting knocked down over and over and over again.  As some of you know, I had an interview on Monday at a school only 17 miles from my humble abode.  I thought it went really well.  Made everyone laugh at least once.  Heads nodding in furious agreement with many of my statements.  Hadn't heard anything as of yesterday, so I called.  Was told that phone calls would be made today.  No call for me.  Spent the day online applying for even more jobs.  I'm just over this process.  I am ready to give up.

Today is a better day.  I slept under the stars again last night and awoke to an incredible sunrise.  I couldn't help feeling insignificant looking up at the vast cosmos, but the thought did not dissuade me from the plan that I would have a productive Saturday.  So far I have washed the dishes, taken out the trash, hung up and put away the laundry, cleaned up some clutter, and applied for two jobs on line.  I may even make my bed!  (Whoa, big fella, let's not get crazy...)

I know that each day I choose to do what I want with it.  I knew that I was wasting my days two weeks ago when I spent one morning watching Let's Make a Deal, The Price is Right, and... Jerry Springer, followed by  Maury Povich!!!!  Enough!  They say you need to reach rock bottom before you can start working your way back, and I'd say a slovenly day watching chicks pull each other's hair on national TV is about as close to rock bottom as you can get.

I also feel buoyed today by the outreach of support from people I love and respect.  I heard from so many people, friends, relatives, students - people who showed me that I do matter, that I am not just an insignificant speck in the universe.  Now, I am going to reward myself by watching some golf on TV.   I can see you out there shaking your heads - don't do it!  Don't go down the rabbit hole of watching television ad nauseum...  Well, I planned my day this way...  Productive this morning, golf now, and later I am going to grill boneless skinless chicken breasts and steam some asparagus and eat healthy.  I am trying to take control of my life and make better decisions.

I promise I will try to write every day and let you know how I am doing.  I know honesty is the best policy and I know that I can't hide from my issues.  I hope that I continue to hear from you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your ongoing love and support.  A special thanks to Phil, Billy, Cheryl the Squirrel, Melody, Oren, Georgia, Stephanie, Frankie, Annie, Michael, Linda, Connie, Joe, and Zach.  I love you all and I my life is so much better for your strength and courage.

I hope you all have the best day ever - mine is not so bad.

Peace out.

It's been an interesting past week...  Filled with some productive activity (2 job interviews), a hike, some meteor-shower gazing, some spreadsheet work, blah blah blah...

Okay, the preceding paragraph was written over 10 days ago (I just added the blah, blah, blah to finish it off).  In truth, I haven't been productive at all.  I didn't get either of the jobs I interviewed for, my unemployment benefits have expired (6 weeks early - who knows why?), due to sequestration cuts, I am eligible for continued benefits at a 17% reduction, I've met a couple of people through on-line dating, and none of that is working out either (speaking of working out, I am managing to gain weight, so I've got that going for me), and I've made little to no progress on my dissertation.  In short, I'm sinking further into depression than I ever have been before. I've set myself up for success by sequestering myself here in the desert, yet that also means failure will ultimately be that much more devastating.

My life is not working for me right now and I need to make changes.  I know this.  I am so stuck that I just don't do the things I need to do.  I am pulling the plug on the TV next week - I wasn't strong enough to just ignore it, so I called the cable company and asked them to suspend my service for a month.  I've been watching tons of Stanley Cup playoffs, NBA playoffs, and SportsCenter, but nary a news program.  I heard recently that three women escaped captors in Cleveland, but I know none of the details.  It's time for me to make real changes, ones that will actually produce results.  It sucks to be shunned and alone.  I can tell you that for sure.  I've never felt so unproductive, unloved, or unwanted in all my life - and I have been divorced twice.  Last night, I finally dragged Mandy's air mattress out onto the patio to sleep under the stars, and it was wonderful.  I was going to do it again tonight, but it rained for the second time in 3 nights, if you can believe that.  Perhaps it's just a metaphor for my pathetic life.

Rather than blathering on about my piss-poor attitude, I think I'll just cut this short and spare you all the crap; I'm not certain anyone is reading this anymore anyway.  Hopefully, I can make some productive changes in my life and I will write about them soon.  If not, you probably won't be hearing from my for awhile.

Good night.

It's been a mixed bag the past couple of days.  I've made a lot of progress with my dissertation.  This is the good news.  The bad news is I've only scratched the surface.  The bad news is that reading research and writing every day is tedious.  And not fun.  Thankfully, I have some new resources on board, and there is lots to be done this weekend.  I'll check in with you on Monday or so...  I hope.

I also find, much to my chagrin, that writing one part of the day using scholarly mechanics and another with creativity and freedom is a difficult balancing act...

Not sure how that one is going to play out yet.

Ciao.

Disclaimer:  Newcomers may want to start at the start  (Sept 2012)...  I'm not sure anyone new is checking this out, but you never know...

So, I haven't written in a while.  Once again, I am being less than honest if I trumpet my triumphant productivity over the past two weeks or so.  I did accomplish two significant things: Organized the house, and hosted a party.  (The two are directly inter-related.)  I intentionally scheduled the party when I did because I knew it was the only way I was going unpack, organize, put up pictures, etc. - you know, move in!  I am the king of living out of boxes for months...  Hence, the party.  I do know myself pretty well, in all candor.  These are the things that I know for sure:

1.  I am the most professional of crastinators...  I can find emergencies, contingencies, diversions, pseudo-dramas, trickery, self-delusion, excuses, and down-right fabrications - okay, lies! - to avoid doing what I KNOW is most important...

2.  See number 1.  Okay, it's time in my life to put up or shut up; to be a responsible adult.  I can do this.  Think of all those years of responsible adulthood I've had under my belt previously.  I can do that shit.

3.  I still abhor drama and - no, let's be honest here - there is always drama, it's how you respond to others' drama that matters...  The truth is I've always hated confrontation, and I've got some in my life right now.  I don't deal well with it, but the key is to address it, reflect, keep your emotions out of things as much as possible, and employ reason and logic.  That is the best way to proceed.  There is no sense getting your blood pressure up, after all.

4.  Regarding my blood pressure, "Thank you, Mari" is all I can say about that.  I have learned that my blood pressure is not going to regulate itself without diet, exercise, and medication...  Just do it.  I will be 72 when Stella is 18.  I want to make sure I can still do the fun stuff with her at 72.  Hiking, camping, harley-riding, golf, telling stories, etc.

5.  Exercise more.  Write more.  Eat better.

This is my new mantra:  Exercise more.  Write more.  Eat better.  Exercise more.  Write more.  Eat better.

So, good-bye for now.  If I know myself well - which I do - if I am being productive with writing and research, I will be blogging like a fiend, bragging about it.  If you don't hear back from me within the week, then so long stranger, it's been nice (Supertramp).  That will mean that I've given up and procrastinated myself into failure yet again.

I might as well say it, poker fans, "I'm all in."  The little house in the desert is where I make my final stand.  I've said for years that "When all is said and done, there's a lot more said, than done!

Of course, I have also maintained for years that I'm a little different than the average bear...  So, do it.

All I'm trying to say is "I know myself.  I know what it takes to get things done.  I have to use every mnemonic device at my disposal.  My mantra: Exercise, Write, Eat Better is one.  I've posted notes on the walls inside the little house in the desert, saying, "BE AN ADULT"  There is a sign directly above and to the right of this very desk (AKA procrastination station), and one in the living room that you can see clearly when you walk down the hall to the john.  There is also one on the refrigerator.  Their placement was very specific, both in terms of eye-line and wind.  Yes, wind.  The signs had to be posted in the house, but not in the wind zone.  The wind zone is through the bathroom, down the hallway, exiting the east wall through a leeward window.  The wind in the high desert is a regular visitor; strength and duration the random variables.  I am learning to value the still days.  Well, I NEED to learn to value the still days (Exercise)...

So, it's time to wrap this up because, because now I'm waxing esoteric about the wind...  Whoa.

Final thoughts:  Time for honesty, hard work, persistence, realistic scheduling and expectations, but most of all, time to BE AN ADULT.

I hope that I'm back with you sooner rather than later.  In any case, I will tell you in all honesty how things are going.  Take care.

Quick note:  Regular readers suggest that this blog is best enjoyed from it's inception...  Have fun!


Okay, you can definitely disregard the previous entry - or, should I say that I took inventory and it's all good.  In other words, I think I may have committed a 'blog foul' because I shouldn't jump on the computer in the middle of the day right after receiving some unwanted news.  No, I think blog entries - who the hell am I to opine about others' styles, intents, and construction???  Let me start that over... I think that MY blog entries are supposed to express reflection and introspection, which dictates that entries necessarily be mulled over and considered before they are posted...  WTF?  What is going on here?  Is my brain staging a coup?


Slow down, sparky, and write what you mean...


Let me talk about the construction of the blog for a brief moment.  I know many people are blogging for various intentions - and I am sure some of those intentions are even clear to the authors.  Me?  Not so sure I know that answer to that query, frankly.  However, what I can tell you about the construction is this:  Most blog entries are written in a stream-of-consciousness manner at the end of a day perhaps two of reflection.  This morning's pronouncement that I'd had my heartbroken was cheap hyperbole - and that has no place in this blog!  Think of it - if I were prone to hyperbole and tall tales, how would you know when I'm employing one of those story-telling devices, or simply reflecting the facts as I recall them?  Perhaps for the first time in my life, I realize the value of credibility.  Perhaps a new disclaimer?  "I attest that the author truly did experience these experiences first hand.  Any similarities to other similar similarities are strictly coincidental and ironic."  Nyah...  Not necessary.  


Well, that's enough about that.  The message for me tonight was "Think before you blog."  D'uh.  You mean I could have skipped the three previous verbose paragraphs and come straight to the point???


What fun is that?

PS - Shout out to Bree:  Good luck on the interview tomorrow!!!!!!

Soooo...  I had my heart broken this morning.  That's life, I suppose.  Wish I could say more presently, but I'm still taking stock.  It's like I used to say to my brother, Danny, or my friend, Terry, whenever I crashed a bicycle are ate shit cross-country skiing.  My wing man might say, "Are you okay?"  And I'd respond, "I'm still taking inventory..."  Meaning, I'm checking to make sure all the parts are still where they are supposed to be and nothing is pointing backwards or something...

So, yeah, I'm not sure if I'm okay.  Still taking inventory.  I'll keep you posted.  

Hello, newer readers:  Regular readers suggest that the best way to read this blog is from the inception in September of 2012.  Ultimately, it's your call, of course.  In my mind, the blog is about a journey, one that I initially equated to the physical act of circumnavigating the US on the Harley.  How wrong I was...

Two things I suck at:  1. Shopping.  2. Preparing nutritious meals.  This needs to change immediately.

Shit, I swear.  I just started typing and you’d think that the most pressing issue in my life is venting about my shortcomings…  I gotta be the greatest procrastinator in the history of “Why do it today, if you can put it off until tomorrow?” What’s that you say?  You’ve become inured to my self-deprecating humor?  I suppose, but I’m in a bad place at present.  I need to get this out. 

I wrote recently of my fear of returning to the classroom in the fall.  Okay, this is 100% true.  No bullshit.  In the short term, however, it simply comes down to this:  Finish the dissertation equals huge uplift in my outlook on life.  Failure to finish has consequences equally impactful on my life’s arc; only this time I’m talking about devastation.  Psyche shattered.  If I were a poker player of any ability, I’d be announcing, “I’m all in!”  You see, folks, this dissertation and the EdD are the culmination of a lifetime of underachievement.  Of course, this refrain is probably familiar to regular readers, as well…

So be it.

The 600 pound gorilla who sits on my chest when I lay down each night is squarely in the center of the room.   It’s put up or shut up time.  I’ve been known to be pretty hard on myself for minor fuck-ups, social blunders, overspending, and occasional over-partying.  Can you imagine the wrath I could bring to bear upon myself for failure to complete this assignment?  I mean, what the hell?  Do I have the ability to complete this task?  Hell, yes, I do.

Re: Blog Frequency -  I visited you some time ago.  I really do need to increase my discipline (duh) and blog daily.   

I hope to get in the routine.

I’d like to go out on a positive note, though.  I had an incredible week, capped off by baby-sitting my dear, sweet Stella.  I forgot how much energy that takes!!!!!  When I returned to the high desert from four full days on the road, I was a trifle worn out… 

Today, I suffered a little setback in momentum, but tomorrow is a brand new day.  Hope to see you all back here then…

Today, as I was texting with a friend of mine, the ugly truth crystallized…  My heretofore unspoken fear is that I will not be able to return to the classroom.  Or, more accurately, that my return to the classroom will be accompanied by ennui and incompetence.  I worry that the longer I am out of teaching, the harder it will be to re-engage the passion that makes me what I am in the classroom.  I will tell you right now, I am not the most talented teacher to ever set foot in the classroom, I am not the most prepared, I am not the most demanding, or the ultimate expert in my field.  No, my strength in the classroom lies in my heart – I really do relish the opportunity to help students, to share what I know, to listen, to reflect, to support, to engage.  On any given day, I couldn’t tell you what that looks like, but it both drives and nourishes me whenever I’m in front of my students.

Toward the end of last year, my energy levels had diminished to the point  BLAH BLAH BLAH!

That’s all just bullshit excuses!  The fact is that I didn’t do my best.  I had so much more I could have done to help my students grow.  I cannot return to a classroom until I know that I am prepared TO BE A TEACHER!  I am doing a disservice to my students – and myself – if I try to teach a class in which I am not 100% engaged.

I’m gonna get off that topic now…  I'm certain we'll return to this topic.

When I was traveling, each blog entry seemed exciting and new.  (Oh, my God, did anyone else just have the “Love Boat” Theme go through their head?  Love… exciting and new… come aboard… we’re expecting you…)  Just a reminder – I’m a Trivia Whiz.  You can ask my friend, Christy, if you don’t believe me…  Anyway, the road was naturally exciting, and it wasn’t hard to write this blog.  It was also a time of long days in the saddle, with nothing to do but think and reflect.  It was ideal for reflection.

Now, I’ve settled into some sort of routine at my new place in the desert, and I fear that this forum will devolve into some sort of dish of daily drivel.  Can’t do it, sorry…    I do, however, want to warn you about a turn that will be quite evident starting tomorrow.  My next – and perhaps most important – challenge begins tomorrow.  I start a one-on-one dissertation class with my mentor.  It’s now or never, folks, and – no surprise given my struggles with self-confidence – I worry that I’ll never get the damn thing done.

However, here are the facts:  I have my own space.  I have cleared my social calendar.  I am not teaching anywhere presently.  I will have internet service as of Wednesday.  I'm in a good place, mentally. And, most importantly, I know that I am capable of completing this task.  I will share my the process with you as it unfolds.  Wish me luck.

I would be criminally remiss (that sounds serious) if I did not share the most recent development in my life.  For the first time in almost three years, I have television.  The Direct TV dude came by today and hooked me up.  I got a basic package, and a standard definition non-DVR for 29.99 per month (32 bucks and change with fees/tax). The indulgence today was SportsCenter and PTI on ESPN.  Tonight, I happened across some sort of prime time soap opera on NBC, what crap!  Then, one stop up the dial, Seinfeld.  And not just any Seinfeld, mind you… No, it was the second to the last episode, where – SPOILER ALERT! – they get arrested and thrown in the slammer…  Needless to say, hilarity ensues.

So, TV time will be something that I will be managing as well…  I’ll keep you posted.  Nite all.

Hello, gentle readers:  From time to time, I suggest that the best way to read this blog is from the inception in September of last year.  I suppose it’s because you may get a better sense of who I am and what I’m jabbering about if you start at the start.  But, you know what?  My thinking and the offspring of said thinking – this blog – are completely random and non-linear, so knock yourself out and read it any way you’d like. 

It’s been an interesting day today.  I finally gave up on the great iPhone Internet Experiment today.  It was cost me an arm and a leg to get internet access using the phone as a hot spot.  So, today, I ordered a TV/Internet bundle that will greatly improve my on-line access.  I’ll just have to avoid the siren song of Pawn Star marathons and Storage War showdowns.  (I read that Dave Hester was suing the production company for planting goods in the lockers… Yup!)

Seriously, TV is just another distraction that I will have to manage, just like every other distraction (you’ll excuse me if I don’t make a list of those, otherwise I may be too inclined to indulge in one or two of them).

The counterpoint to losing out to the TV/Entertainment Industriocomplex (not quite sure of the right word there, so I made one up) was reconnecting with an old friend.  This is a person I spent many quiet moments with last summer talking about everything under the sun.  She’s a great listener and an even better friend, so it was nice to chat with her briefly today.

I’m not certain yet that I shared this new with you, but I finally received my back payments from unemployment!!!  Yay, me!  This battle had raged since last July, and I had to go to court to prevail.  Whew.  At least I know where my next few farthings are coming from…

Life, currently, is moving forward in a positive manner.  I was happy to get my stuff up here to the house, but now I’m mired in the process of unpacking and organizing – UGH!  Professional Crastinators hate these chores the most, because I’ve got a chair to sit on, a bed to sleep in, a kitchen to cook in, and a fully functional bathroom.  That furniture and those boxes stacked up in the living room?  No problem.  I get everything I need.  “All I need is this lamp, and the ashtray…”  Sorry, requisite quotes from “The Jerk.”  Seriously, I’ve got all I need.

So, how do we solve this problem of apathy and sloth?  Simple – you schedule a party for one month from move-in.  I’ve now got 22 days to whip this place into shape for the big shindig on March 30^th!  That’s one way to self-motivate.  So, all of you who are reading this, make sure to mark your calendars.  Saturday, March 30, starting at 1PM here at my humble abode, everyone is welcome.  The party will end whenever the last guest leaves, which looks like Tuesday, April 2^nd according to early RSVPs.  I have plenty of room on the property for tents if you want to bring one.  I love my friends and I’ve driven countless miles just to visit with them, but this is my chance to host! 

By the way, you will also have the sweetest little baby in the world in attendance.  My peanut, April, as most of you know, had her own little peanut last May.  Stella, otherwise known as the center of my universe, will be 10 months old when she attends the soiree.  Wow – time really does fly.

Speaking of time flying, I did some math the other day and I was not happy with the outcome.  Here is the thing… I absolutely intend to return to a classroom this fall.  I do not know where, what subject, etc. but I am fairly confident that I’ll be somewhere when the bell rings.  That being the case, if I left school last June 17^th, then I have been ‘on sabbatical’ for almost 9 months.  That means I’ve been off longer than the time I have remaining.  Bummer.  Oh, well.  I still have about 5 more months to get my feces in one container – or, if you prefer, to get my shit together… 

Tomorrow is filled with coffee, breakfast, haircut (thank God!), and a housewarming party, but next week is shaping up as a productive one.  Yesterday, I went to the health food store and bought ingredients for homemade granola.  Holy crap, the recipe made 15 cups!  I will have yogurt and granola breakfast for the foreseeable future.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Okay, stop.  Stop.  Just freaking stop!  Dang!!!!  Is this blog turning into a repository for every day minutiae?  I made granola… blah blah… I took a dump… blah blah…  I woke up at 5:15… blah… blah… Fucking blah…

I’m going to shut it down for today.  I started out with some important thoughts and I devolved into something else.  The blog – like me – continues to be a work in progress.

I hope you’ll hang with me.

Today is a banner day for me.  I am reunited with (most) all of my earthly possessions here in My Little House in the Desert.  In case I haven’t mentioned it in a while, I freaking love it here.  Sorry.  Ahem. 

Whew… searching for my composure here. 

Today is a banner day because I get to make progress in my life.  Right now – as I type this.  Since last September, I've regaled you with deeds both mischievous and mundane.  I've taken you along as I've ridden my trusty steed across this insanely beautiful country.  I've shared a moment or two reflecting, recalling, and reminiscing about different friends, and different capers.  And it’s been a lot of fun.

 

It also hasn't been very honest.   I've shared all those great times with you, and, conveniently, I've only expended energy on the blog when I've had POSITIVE energy.  I've largely ignored the keyboard during my periods of pain, and doubt, and anger, and frustration, and self-hatred, and self-destruction, and searching… searching.

 I, frankly, didn't write about the low times of the past few months, battling with the government for unemployment, sleeping in the car on nights so cold I had to run the heater every couple of hours, bouncing from family to friends to family to the road to family, always family. 

So, I come to the desert to be alone.  To process what’s happened to me over the course of the past few years of my life.  I am hoping that, once renewed, I may rediscover my passion for teaching.  And part of that process is writing.  I have the pleasure (no sarcasm intended) of writing these next few months utilizing both sides of my brain.  My JOB for the next four months is to complete my dissertation.  It's a big part of my life, so you'll be hearing more about the dissertation process.

The only way this blog works going forward is to work at it going forward.  That may sound grandiose - perhaps plain dumb, but  if I could give myself some direction, some guidance, a little sage advice…

WRITE SOMETHING EVERY DAY, YOU STUPID IDIOT. 

Okay, that is some good advice.  Anything else? 

BE HONEST.

Absolutely. 

REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD.

Thanks.  I needed that reminder.

Let me bring in Michael Buffer right here:  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a decision!  The blogger agrees to follow the above three tenets in all of his writing: WRITE DAILY AND HONESTLY.  BE KIND.

Okay, bring in the narrator again.  Narrator?  Yeah, narrator.  Okay, those of you reading at home, help me out here… when you read a blog, a book, a graphic novel, an e-mail, any correspondence… do you hear a voice narrating the words as you read  them?  Do you almost feel as if the words are entering your body through your ears?  If you know what I mean, raise your hand…  C’mon, get ‘em up there…  Nice.  Now, look around confidently, and know you are not the only person with your hand in the air.  Sweet.

Before I go tonight, I’m, um, trying to find the right way to introduce this exemplar.  I think it illustrates how life [OKAY, STFU!!! IF YOU’RE GONNA WRITE IT, WRITE IT, AND STOP ALL THE DAMN JUSTIFYING AND ‘COUCHING’]

Okay.  Here goes.  My mental health ‘issues’ have always been about highs and lows. 

Shit.  I’ve written - and rewritten - these last few paragraphs multiple times.  Stop stalling. 

An incredible high for me was being able to attend the Supercharge Your Soul (SYS) House Show; a concert where many former SAMOHI students wowed me again with their incredible musical talents – and lots of hard work.  I can’t begin to express my pride and admiration.  I am honored that they have shared these gifts with me.  

I have to add this includes the athletes, the artists, the dancers, the thespians, the scholars, the stoners, the storytellers, the dreamers, and any student I had the pleasure to meet and to know.

The low? The low was walking out of there that evening, around the corner, and into my strategically placed car.  Let me just say right here that there is one key to getting good, proper sleep in an urban environment. It is essential that you park your car in such a manner that neither streetlights nor headlights will shine directly in your face.  It may be necessary, on occasion, to move to the passenger seat if the angle of a lamp, the presence of a tree, or the desire to remain is invisible are of concern.

Thankfully, that evening I had driven through the neighborhood early and secured a prime space.  Not three parking places behind me was a construction site, which is another huge convenience in urban car-camping.  This is especially true for one taking daily diuretics to get his or her blood pressure under control.  It was – by Coastal Southern California standards – very, very cold that evening.  Those that attended the concert may recall that gloves, scarves, and blankets were ‘hot commodities’ that night. 

I sat in my car that night reflecting on those wonderful, warm, intelligent, talented students.  Then, I turned my gaze inward and I asked myself why I was freezing my ass off on a cold December night in front of 1411 Hill Street in Santa Monica?

No answer.  Wrong number.  Sorry. Try again later.  I don’t know.  Huh?  Nice day, innit? Man, am I busy!

At that moment in time, I didn't possess the knowledge or experience to adequately answer that question - What brings you here?  I have no idea what brought me here. Time to do some more reflecting and learning, I guess.

It’s time for me to do work.  I've got to focus on my studies, and there is so much to learn about my new environment as well.  Soon the wildflowers will be blooming in Joshua Tree.  I freaking love it here!

I’ll be back.  I have to reflect a little bit about tonight’s entry.  I know I have to explore and learn from the lows; as well I did from my highs. 

I should have written during those low times.  Many people have reached out to me to tell me that they are in my corner, or that things I have written resonate with them, or just ‘hang in there’ or ‘I love you.’ Thank you.

 

Michael Buffer again…

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time since June 30, 2012, this man gets to sleep in his own bed. 

I can live with that. 

I’m not sure what word – or more accurately what sound (such as accompanies an emerging butterfly) should signal the return of this slumbering blogger.  Seriously, this is the supercilious crap that I've been thinking about recently.  I mean it! If you could somehow interview my brain, you will know that this (figuring out how to restart) has been holding up the return to the blog –how do I restart this thing after going underground for 5 months?  Where are all the grand adventures?  Where are the wittily-crafted, pithy observations on human nature?  (Um, are you sure you are returning to the correct blog?)

Okay, so enough of this verbal constipation.  I have remained on the sidelines for too long and I’m just now rounding back into some sort of form (as we like to say just before the Masters. i.e.  His game is really rounding into form heading into Augusta…)  Footnote to this paragraph – I HAVE NO IDEA whether I used i.e. properly, or if I should have used e.g.  Please try not to hold this transgression against the author.  Any errors, real, imagined, or intentional are the sole responsibility of [Insert Laptop Sponsor’s name here].  Oh, wait.  Good idea on the corporate link, but as I re-read that sentence, I should think I’d be better off introducing my new sponsor [so-and-so] in a much better fashion.  Our copywriting department is working on that now.  Please stand by for updates.

But enough with the preliminaries!!!  I’m back and I’m, well, back.  You know.

So, sit back, relax and grab an adult beverage (only those old enough AND responsible enough should consume alcoholic beverages – PSA) and enjoy these ramblings through an imperfect world.

It’s a world where weird shit keeps on happening, whether I’m sitting here on my patio, or hiking in the high desert.  It’s moving, writing, thinking, resolving, moving, painting, deciding, doubting, doing, sitting.  I guess you’d say it’s ‘living.’  We all do it, and, thankfully, we all do it differently.  That’s what makes it so darn interesting. 

I’m ending this here tonight.  Wow –sounds like I’m breaking up with my laptop or something!??!  Wait – I could replace it with a better one from [Ta da! – New corporate sponsor]  LOL

Ouch.  Okay, I realize I just wrote LOL.  Please, please, hold your bombastic rants about how texting has set back the English language a hundred years AND communication back another 200!  I get that already.  No, this is a tacit admission that occasionally in the interest of authenticity or slang (or perhaps just to appear young, hip, and cool), I may use an acronym or some euphemism to emphasize said hipness.  Get over it.  Or, shut the front door.  Oooh.  I’m trotting out the big guns now.  Be careful, though - you don’t want to use up all your firepower on the first night.  

What’s that?  Oh, the mouthpiece from my corporate sponsor just leaned in and asked for a re-write on the fifth sentence of the foregoing paragraph (the uptight asshole even asked to be credited as an editor).  That does it!  This blog will and shall remain – at least where the department of redundancy department is concerned – forevermore sponsorship free!  We shall now return you to today’s irregularly scheduled brain dump.

So, I may no longer be on the road – physically – but I remain on the ever-elusive road to mental health. 

  

More to follow.  Peace.