Today, as I was texting with a friend of mine, the ugly truth crystallized…  My heretofore unspoken fear is that I will not be able to return to the classroom.  Or, more accurately, that my return to the classroom will be accompanied by ennui and incompetence.  I worry that the longer I am out of teaching, the harder it will be to re-engage the passion that makes me what I am in the classroom.  I will tell you right now, I am not the most talented teacher to ever set foot in the classroom, I am not the most prepared, I am not the most demanding, or the ultimate expert in my field.  No, my strength in the classroom lies in my heart – I really do relish the opportunity to help students, to share what I know, to listen, to reflect, to support, to engage.  On any given day, I couldn’t tell you what that looks like, but it both drives and nourishes me whenever I’m in front of my students.

Toward the end of last year, my energy levels had diminished to the point  BLAH BLAH BLAH!

That’s all just bullshit excuses!  The fact is that I didn’t do my best.  I had so much more I could have done to help my students grow.  I cannot return to a classroom until I know that I am prepared TO BE A TEACHER!  I am doing a disservice to my students – and myself – if I try to teach a class in which I am not 100% engaged.

I’m gonna get off that topic now…  I'm certain we'll return to this topic.

When I was traveling, each blog entry seemed exciting and new.  (Oh, my God, did anyone else just have the “Love Boat” Theme go through their head?  Love… exciting and new… come aboard… we’re expecting you…)  Just a reminder – I’m a Trivia Whiz.  You can ask my friend, Christy, if you don’t believe me…  Anyway, the road was naturally exciting, and it wasn’t hard to write this blog.  It was also a time of long days in the saddle, with nothing to do but think and reflect.  It was ideal for reflection.

Now, I’ve settled into some sort of routine at my new place in the desert, and I fear that this forum will devolve into some sort of dish of daily drivel.  Can’t do it, sorry…    I do, however, want to warn you about a turn that will be quite evident starting tomorrow.  My next – and perhaps most important – challenge begins tomorrow.  I start a one-on-one dissertation class with my mentor.  It’s now or never, folks, and – no surprise given my struggles with self-confidence – I worry that I’ll never get the damn thing done.

However, here are the facts:  I have my own space.  I have cleared my social calendar.  I am not teaching anywhere presently.  I will have internet service as of Wednesday.  I'm in a good place, mentally. And, most importantly, I know that I am capable of completing this task.  I will share my the process with you as it unfolds.  Wish me luck.

I would be criminally remiss (that sounds serious) if I did not share the most recent development in my life.  For the first time in almost three years, I have television.  The Direct TV dude came by today and hooked me up.  I got a basic package, and a standard definition non-DVR for 29.99 per month (32 bucks and change with fees/tax). The indulgence today was SportsCenter and PTI on ESPN.  Tonight, I happened across some sort of prime time soap opera on NBC, what crap!  Then, one stop up the dial, Seinfeld.  And not just any Seinfeld, mind you… No, it was the second to the last episode, where – SPOILER ALERT! – they get arrested and thrown in the slammer…  Needless to say, hilarity ensues.

So, TV time will be something that I will be managing as well…  I’ll keep you posted.  Nite all.