It was, decidedly, a very down day today.  I suppose this is why I was asked oh so many years ago when I was working at Kodak, "Are you manic-depressive?"  Um.  I don't know, why do you ask? "Just wondering.  My brother has it, and you have a lot of the same characteristics.  Do you have high highs and low lows?"  Oh, yeah.  (Inside my head: Doesn't everybody?)

So, I think when I last visited you, the mood was nigh euphoric.

What a difference a day makes.

So, what happened?  I've been trying to put my finger on that for a while.  Let me just turn things over to the brain and let it guide my fingers...

I woke up this morning with a headache, and when I took my blood pressure, it was higher than it has been.  I got upset about that because I had hoped I could get off the meds.  I will be taking my BP again this evening and tomorrow morning.  If my BP is high on either of those measures, I'm going back on the meds.  This feels like a huge defeat for me.  It's quite deflating.  (I suppose I now know why the day at work didn't turn that frown around...)

I had hoped that eliminating processed foods from my diet had helped me get my blood pressure under control. Of course, this is elation-inducing on two levels: One, no more meds!  Two, instant gratification from changing my diet.  To say the least, it is motivating when you see positive results from a lifestyle change.  I'm trying to make many lifestyle changes right now.  Change is hard for me; I'm certain it is for many of you...  Some people do seem to recharge with change, but, that's not typically my modus operandi.

So, perhaps this failed experiment is now causing me to question my ability/dedication to change other aspects of my life.  Confidence is sure a fleeting bedfellow... One minute, you're on top of the world, and the next?  The next you're dragging your hindquarters around like cro-magnon man.

I packed the car this morning for the trip to San Diego to see April, Stella, and Grant for the night, then up to Placentia (haircut)/Huntington Beach (date), then Culver City to hang out with Tina and the gang for the Super Bowl.  In the back of my mind, I really didn't think that a three city/three night tour was a good idea, considering present circumstances.  But, this has always been me.  My brother, Danny, used to laugh at me for the way I scheduled my visits home.  I was under strict orders last summer when April visited that there was to be "NO agenda!"  So, I nicknamed it "The No Agenda Tour: 2013"  

So, I've waved off the trip to San Diego, and replaced it with a relaxing night at home. I'm blogging (duh), fresh off a soak in the tub, and a couple games of Sudoku.  It's 7:12 as I type, and I'm already in my jammies.  It's chilly, but I'm not up to building a fire tonight.  The bath did warm me all the way through, though.

Confidence.  Man, when you have it, there is nothing you can't do!!!!

When you don't, you'll try to avoid putting yourself in the way of failure (and success) every time...

My lack of confidence is hurting me right now.  Let's just leave it at that for the moment.  (I'm dancing around the elephant in the room right now, I know. But I'm not certain yet how to explore this topic further...)

So, given my mood, my outlook on life (at that point in time), my annoyance with my stupid insurance company, etc.  STOP, STOP, STOP.  It sounds like you're getting ready to roll out a litany of excuses and then try to mitigate something you did, felt, etc.  Just be real with it, okay?

Okay.

I'm just going to say that I'm having a hard time keeping up with all of the administrivia at work, but that is nothing new for me, either.  Paperwork is the bane of my existence...  Oh, well.  It is what it is.  And then, today, we were asked to pile one more thing on our plate.  Ugh.

So, I made it through the workday.  It was productive.  It was over relatively quickly.  I don't think I bit off anyone's head or growled at anyone...  By the end of the day, I'd decided that I was going to get a pizza and eat and drink myself into oblivion, but I thought better of it.

I've got a chance to make things better tomorrow.  I'm excited to get my hair cut. And I am very excited about my date!

Then I get to hang out with my dear friend, Tina, and watch the Super Bowl.  I don't have a dog in that fight, so I'm just rooting for a good game.  Overtime would be nice, wouldn't it?  Geez, I just realized I'm not in a single Super Bowl pool.  

So, I'll update you all soon.  I feel better tonight, just getting to relax and not rush around.  I'm trying to save some energy for the travails ahead...

I'm going to look for tonight's closing words now...

LMAO... Delicious irony in this selection.  Believe it or not, tonight's speaker, Leigh, talks about confidence in this affirmation...  C'mon, you can't make this stuff up!

"Mr. P: From the moment I walked into your classroom on the first day of school, I knew it would be a comfortable, happy environment, and that's exactly what it was.  You are the most charismatic, welcoming, and genuine teacher I've ever had. I loved every single conversation I had w/you over the year and I appreciate that I could be comfortable and talk to you about anything. One thing that's REALLY special about you is that you constantly try to make your students feel confident & good about themselves..."

I'm sorry, I'm going to stop now. The more I read and type, the more I cry.  I will try to share more of Leigh's thoughtful words later...

Thank you, Leigh. How I needed to read this tonight.

First, a bit of news.  I am blogging from the living room with the warmth of a nice fire to keep me company. This router was only 752% easier to set up than the first one I bought.  It was 15 bucks more (the first was on sale, I think - no way was I going to replace it with the same one after my experience... ). Regular readers will remember that story from last Sunday.

I'm going to have to pause here a moment and impart some wisdom to new readers (I am beyond thrilled to have some new readers - shout out to my Wednesday night Psychology 475 class!). The wisdom is that this blog is really best when consumed from the beginning.  In this case, the beginning is, I believe, September 24, 2012. I promise the read will be worth it.  

While I've got the large font working, I want to address something else:  When I sit and write this blog, the image that informs my writing is one of dialog.  When I write, in my mind, these feelings I am sharing with you are part of a conversation... Conversations are two-way streets!!!!  Please, I don't want to get down on my knees and beg, but I want to hear from you.  If it is difficult to do on this site for whatever reason, you can try me on facebook (Ken Petronis), send me an e-mail, a text, a smoke signal... Something.  

Seriously, if something I have written 'caught you right' or brought a smile, a tear, a frown - if I've moved you at all, please say so.  I can't even begin to tell you the power those words fuel within me. Thank you, everyone.  I look forward to hearing your stories, struggles, successes, questions, suggestions, reminiscences, ideas, philosophies, jokes, etc.  You get the picture.  I'd like to make this a successful, enjoyable, participative blog.  With your help, we can entertain and inform anyone who drops by. 

I believe we all have something important to say.



I was prepared, this evening, to launch into a mini-tirade about some stressful recent experiences. Instead, I went searching for tonight's closing words.  Those words tonight will be brought to you by my former student, and current friend, Sierra Mansfield.  Thank you, again, Sierra.

To be honest (don't you hate it when writers start out a sentence that way?  My response is, "Are you NOT being honest each time you don't include that phrase???)...

To be honest (yes, I know what I just said! I just happen to think it's appropriate here, okay?)

To be honest, I didn't have to look very hard.  Stuffed into my yearbook from Santa Monica High School are various notes, cards, letters, and some printer paper the students inserted into my yearbook because the all the pages had already been filled with student signatures and notes.

The second thing I'd picked up was a note card from Sierra. I immediately sent her a message on facebook, and her reply was typically sweet and uplifting.  When the conversation concluded, I reflected on how good it felt to feel like I'd had a small part in helping Sierra grow into the person she is today.  And I thought to myself one of those thoughts that always get teachers through rough days... "IF I CAN ONLY HELP ONE - EVEN ONE, THIS WILL ALL HAVE BEEN WORTH IT."  This is the mantra of the overloaded teacher who feels like he or she doesn't have one more once of energy to invest...  "If I can only help one..."  I thought about this for a moment, and I thought about Sierra, and how fortunate I was to have crossed paths with her.


And suddenly it dawned on me...

I am a very lucky man.  A very, very lucky man, indeed.  I realized in reflecting on my conversation with Sierra, how many times I've had similar conversations with my students.

In that moment, in that reflection, I allowed myself to appreciate a simple truth that I've long ignored and shunned... I AM LOVED.

I'm sorry if this sounds like braggadocio, bravado, hyperbole, or self-aggrandizing...  It is meant to be none of these.

It is simply the truth.  I AM LOVED.

There's nothing further I can add.  Sierra will take us home:

"Mr. P, Thank you so much for being such an awesome teacher! Walking into your classroom and seeing your smiling face puts me in a better mood.  Thank you so much for a great year! Keep in touch!    PS - I am really going to miss our witty banter and our shared love of George Thorogood :)"

I do love the witty banter...   Peace, all.

Carpe Diem.

Shortest post in the history of posts.  I went to an after-school party with a bunch of teachers tonight.  It was good to hang with my peers after school.

Tomorrow night, I teach a night class.  I know, I know.  I believe I expressed previously that I hate teaching night classes, and that the energy output is not worth the money, that it messes up my whole week, etc... No? I hadn't told you that?  Oh.  Okay.  Gilda Radner, would you come in here, please... "Never mind..." Thank you, Gilda.

Hey, necessity is necessity.  Let's call it the way it is.  I've made many mistakes in my life. Some of them were financial mistakes.  It is what it is.  I love teaching.  Do I wish it paid more? Sure.  Will I continue to teach night classes? No.  Not once I get my debt paid off!  Can I teach for ten more years?  I sure think so. Part of teaching is being in touch.  Being in touch doesn't mean I know which video games are being released next week or which rapper is headlining Coachella, or which Disney star just 'grew up.'  I think that being in touch means you know how to talk with students. How to talk WITH students.  Not AT them.  Not TO them. Not ABOUT them...  WITH them.  Listen.  Let me say it again.  Listen...  LISTEN.

Listen.  That's what we all need to do.  I'm sorry.  You know me.  I am not preachy!  I mean, yes, there are times I share a story and try to get your attention, or try to get you to look at things through a different lens, but I try not to preach.  So, it's your choice.  Heck, it's always your choice.  You can sail through life unfettered and unaffected; OR you can slow down and savor each sip, each bite, each learning, each 'wow', each "I love you." Slow down, people.  Live.  Love.  Enjoy.  Carpe Diem.  Savor. Each. Moment.

Bottom line: the good news for me is that I'm a low mileage (7th year teaching), high-energy, thoughtful, charismatic (yup - I said it - humility be damned!), striving, growing, teacher...  I can do this for many more years (especially if those years are punctuated with a cross-country motorcycle ride...)

Well, I did enjoy a cocktail or two at the gathering tonight, so I better wrap it before I crap it...  ooooo, too late, perhaps.

Good night, then.

A different approach for tonight's closing.  This from a former Principal of mine:

"Ken focuses individually on each student, enabling each student to achieve the greatest benefits by identifying his/her learning strengths and weaknesses.  Ken incorporates this variety of teaching strategies, along with his innate compassion for struggling students, and what at times seems like plain magic, to inspire his students...  His teaching style facilitates a climate of fairness, respect, and trust... Most of all, students enjoy being in his class."

I'll take it.  Thank you.

Good night, all.

Carpe Diem.

Wow. I just read this post.  It's pretty weak, isn't it?  Oh, well.  I could sit here until 1AM, revising, editing (probably starting over!), but it may not change one thing in the end.  Oh, well.  See you soon.

Self-awareness...  Being in the moment...  Focus...  Meditation...  Spirituality...

Call it what you will.  I am trying a little harder of late to just... be...

Earlier this evening - shortly after I returned from "Down the Hill" [Down the Hill is euphemism for Palm Springs or any other location not up here in the High Desert - this lingo is used by locals.  I use it.  Does that make me a local?]

Anyway, shortly after I returned, I sat out front and watched the sunset.  Or started to.  Then, I decided there was something else I needed to do; and I jumped up.  Then, I reminded myself to sit.  To be still.  To stay away from the phone, to just be.  Finally, after another half dozen false-starts, I managed to sit and marvel at an exceptional desert sunset.  When the conditions are right, oh my...  Indescribable.

I'm getting a little better at tuning out and enjoying thoughtful me time.  I'm ready to start formally meditating.

Just wanted to note that this is all part of the process.

Received today:


"You are the most complete teacher I've every had and by that I mean stats is only a fraction of what you've taught me. You'll get through this cuz in the end, you are the man. Much love, Mr. P."

Thanks, Tyler.

Good night all.

Waldo was thought, by some, to be dismissive.  Waldo was not dismissive.  Waldo was, however, extremely intolerant of idiots and blow-hards, and could sniff out b.s. from a mile away.

No, Waldo was not dismissive.  Quite the contrary - he was very giving.

It took some people longer than others, but once you gained Waldo's respect - usually by revealing yourself to be neither an idiot nor a blow-hard - it was a different ballgame.  And you would know if you made it to that threshold when he gave you one of his, "You know, I'd don't mean to pick on you _____, but that fitting is supposed to/that ski should be/if you turn the cranks like this and then shift/putting a firmer spring in the left front should help/if you take that leaf-blower engine and attach it to a bicycle, you can go from here to Cohoes Falls and back on one litre of gas..."

Waldo could expound on most any topic once he wrapped his head around it.  He was an amazing sponge - someone who actually read - (and understood!!!) owners manuals.

I learned so much from Waldo's advice and he helped me a great deal over the years.

Today, Waldo helped me again.  

So, getting cancer.  Okay, I was kind of prepared for that.  The biopsy? Been there, done that. Additional tests required? Not surprised...  But the Nuclear Bone Scan was.  I wasn't prepared for that brief moment of panic when I opened my eyes to see the Radiography machine hovering two inches from my nose.  But there it was!  While I'm openly a procrastinator, I'm a bit of a closet claustrophobe.  That sounds rather complicated, but I'll quickly invoke philosopher Popeye yet again: I yam what I yam.

I'd been trying 'oh-so-hard' to just sleep through it...  Really focusing on my breathing, and slowing down, and breathing out more than I was breathing in, and lettimg my extremities turn to mush, etc, etc.  I may have even tried counting sheep, but after a fitful three and one half minutes trying to relax, I opened my eyes to see what was going on - and there - clearly violating my personal space - was this, this... machine!  (Production note: Here I go into a fake - yet extremely dramatic [of course!] swoon...  Think the male equivalent of Scarlett O'Hara...)

It was at approximately this moment that I noticed another distinctive sensation - no, I did not wet myself! - which one of you said that?  No, not that sensation...  No..., slipping back into my serious voice here.... No, the feeling was actually a lack of same.  Huh? What the heck are you talking about?  My fingers on my right hand... they'd gone numb, numbskull - do I have to spell everything out for you?  I do? Okay. E V E R Y T H I N G...  :)  Anyway, my fingers were in that numb limbo where you knew if you could just get some blood flow restored to the area, you'd be good pretty quickly; but if you didn't act soon, you were on the verge of [don don duuuu] pins and needles...  Oh, no, not pins and needles!  Spare us!  Please spare us from the stinging and the burning and the numbness...  Please!

What could I do?  I slowly lifted my right arm to see if I could just free up the blood flow.  I was moments from a panicked spasm that might have ruined the scan, and I just looked right through the machine and I thought about Waldo.  And I wondered if he was a closet claustrophobe.  And if he felt uneasy during his tests.  And how many scans he must have undergone; and always of the brain.  With nowhere to hide from the stupid machine...

I settled down and thought about Waldo for the rest of the procedure.  I thought about how unpleasant it must have been to do this... time and time and time again...  Damn.

Thanks, Waldo.  I owe you another one.

You know, Kenny, dehydration happens faster in the winter, than it does in the summer.  You know, Kenny, eating snow is not a good way to hydrate because the body has to burn calories just to warm it up. You know, Kenny, if you lube your shift cables more often, you'll get smoother derailleur action...

I heard a lot of, "You know, Kenny" and "I don't mean to pick on you, Kenny" speeches.  They are all worth remembering.  Just like Waldo.


It's been a day.  Thanks, Waldo, for getting my through to scan.  Thank you, Jenna, for the hug.

And thank you, everyone, for the prayers and well-wishes.  I wish I could reach out to everyone personally and tell you how much your support means.  I've texted, emailed, called, and spoken to many of you.  Heck, I've even 'facebooked' with some folks...

Just know that the energy is felt - and appreciated!

Peace.

"I just wanted to say that you are one of the coolest people to ever teach in the classroom.  You just get it. You know how to relate to students better than I have ever seen before.  I will never forget your classic jokes, like "Datar?" "I don't ever know her." I really believe you have a great teaching career ahead of you..."

Thank you to Christian for tonight's closing.

Love to all.

I wanted to talk about cancer for a bit...

I am a little nervous about the bone scan tomorrow.  My doctor tells me there is only about a 2% chance that there will be a problem.  I will hang my hat on that...  But that doesn't make the test any less scary.  As I'd mentioned previously, I was fairly certain what my last test would show.  I just 'knew' I had cancer. Now, I want that cancer to be treatable...  That is all.

I had a rather productive and candid conversation with one of my friends today who has faced down prostate cancer.  He confirmed a few things for me.  First and foremost, I need to take control of my own treatment and care.  It is my responsibility to do my research, including looking into programs available in my area, surgeons, new treatments, etc.

He explained to me that getting back my bladder control is largely about doing the Kegel exercises.  He recommended different pads and other hygiene products.

The 'other' conversation is always the delicate one.  He was told after his surgery that his outcome was the best possible; the two nerve bundles running around the prostate had been kept intact.  This meant that his prognosis for recovering erectile function was optimal.  Even with this optimal result, he is still trying to recover full sexual capability nearly two years later.

Some learnings along these lines that he shared with me:

1. It is a use it or lose it situation and erections have to be 'cultivated' and extended as long as possible.
2. There is no ejaculate, but there is certainly orgasm.
3. Take Viagra at night to promote erections during REM sleep.
4. There are several other methods to regain the ability to have an adequate sex life.

These are the kinds of conversations that need to take place with a doctor - certainly the surgeon or oncologist - when the time is right.

For now, I'm still gathering data on my options.  These conversations help; but they are anecdotal, and based on very small sample sizes.  (Damn, do I sound like a statistician right now!??!)

I am just taking things one step at a time. The next step is the test tomorrow and the results the following Tuesday, February 4.

I really don't know what else to say at this juncture.

Good night from me.

Closing thoughts from one of my students:

"... thank you for being there for me.  It was like you could see right through me when I was really depressed.  You helped me through so much...  you helped me out of my comfort zone and you helped me talk about things I usually don't tell people.  I love you, Mr. P. Stay strong..."

I'm back.  It's 9PM and it's time to give you a quick update.  I don' think this will be a long post, but never say never...

To do list accomplished:

2
4
5
6
7
8


The only items not complete are yoga and router installation.  I'm happy and I did even more with school - I completed my attendance even though it is not due for another week.  I also got most of my work samples done for January...

I'm going to wrap this note and come back with something a little weightier...

I know.  I owe you a couple of things...  But first, I want to give you an update on my to-do list so you can see how productive I was today:

• Got gas for car.
• Went to store for sundries (mostly pens and pencils for my students, because mine have gone poof! - another teacher 'thing')
• Went in to the office and prepped Monday students.
• Got ten gallons of water

Now, let's compare this with the to-do list from yesterday:

1. Attend yoga.  I got up this morning and was thinking all about yoga, and what happened? I realized I don't have a yoga mat.  Duh.  Yoga.  Mat.  Yoga. Mat. Golf. Golf clubs.  I see a connection.  Damn stupid rookie.  

So, no yoga.  I did, however, accomplish the entirety of that list above during that two hours or so I would have been at yoga.  So...  But, yeah, no yoga.

2. Finish up grades for students.  Next on the agenda.  And this is a no-brainer - they must be done tonight.  

The good news is that I've still got 2-3 working hours tonight, if I needed them.  Should only take me around 90 minutes, though.  I am about 70% done with the process.

3. Set up router.  This is exactly where the day takes an unpleasant turn.  I followed the instructions on the 'quick start' guide, which - of course - is the only piece of written material in the entire box!  Unless, of course, they stuffed a bunch of adverts in the box, with pithy sayings like, "If you like this ______, you'll love ________!!!!  Or the 'Amazon' approach, "People who purchased this _______, also purchased ______."  And then, of course, we have the king of them all....  Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Ron Popeil... "But wait, there's more!!!!"  Sorry, small rant there...

ANYWAY...  I follow the instructions once, twice, three times.  I try to connect to the network with my phone, but it's like a wraith - there one minute and gone the next...  

After the third attempt, and about 147 seconds after I was looking for a tech-support number, a sign of resignation appeared on my screen:

Please contact customer support at 1-877-OHSHIT7 (Our corporation was shocked that OHSHITS 1-6 were already taken; I mean, c'mon, let's have some originality)  [Editor's note: Under no circumstances were any corporations harmed in the making of  this blog post...  Will the court reporter please note that the commissioner is nodding his head? Thank you.

So, long story short - I know - TOO LATE!  Hey, you've got two choices.  You see, I've used either 5 or 6 of my best lines already.  And in all that excitement, I kinda lost track myself.  So, readers, you've got to ask yourself a question:  Do you want to read it?  Well do ya?  

Okay, momentary out of body experience - Weird, I know...I am so my mother's son; we can both launch a song or a soliloquy on the basis of one exchanged word.  SAFETY WARNING: Do not use the words 'Shrimp' or 'Dam' or 'Amster' or 'Old Woman' around my mother unless you want to be serenaded by an unending escalation of silliness... It is, of course, priceless.  And so is she.  I suppose I am a mama's boy. Not really sure what that is supposed to mean, or why some people would use that as a taunt or put-down...

So, after an exasperating 40 minutes and 32 seconds on the line with tech support, we determine that the router is, in fact, defective.  And now it must return to the store in shame.

I'm reminded here of one of my mantras (this one specific to technology).  I always say, "It should just work."  Ugh. 

WOW - it's suddenly 6 o'clock.  I just had conversations with two dear friends.  The first was about cancer. The second was about, well, I suppose that was about cancer.  I suppose all my phone calls now are about cancer...

IMPORTANT NOTE TO SELF!!!!!  LET ME REPEAT:  IMPORTANT NOTE TO SELF!!!!!

This is why procrastination is never a good plan.  I still need to finish making dinner (juicing tonight), finish grades for students, sort laundry, wash dishes, and I've also got a lot of blogging left to do...

4. Have you detected a pattern here, yet?  Number 4 was sort the laundry.  Not done yet.

5. Clean off kitchen table.  Um, not so much.

6. Do dishes.  Um, no.

7. Blog - Ding Ding!!  Winner Winner... Chicken Dinner!  

8. Get ready for big test tomorrow....  More in this in tonight's installment.

So, now I'm leaving the cozy confines of the typewriter to sully forth in that big, scary land of responsibility.

Catch you later.

Final words tonight come from some of my college students.  These are anonymous, so I'm not sure who gets the attribution:

"Best instructor I've ever had at UOP.  Relatable and easy to learn."

"Best teacher ever. Relaxed, effective, and really happy. I enjoyed his energy."

"He is an outstanding professor.  He knows what he is teaching."

Always good to hear from all constituencies...

Be well.  See you later tonight, I hope!!!

Dinner guest(s) tonight: Mr. Eric Clapton, who brought his dear friend, Robert Johnson.  Thank you, Eric.

I tried to do a couple of things new today.  I wanted to paint you a picture of the horizons stretching 360 degrees around My Little House in the Desert.  I started at due north (give or take...) and walked around my house several times, trying to memorize some specific landmarks to help describe what it's like to just sit here on my patio...

Just sit...

Just sit.  And watch to sky, the mountains the sun, the shadows, the stillness of a beautiful desert afternoon. The wind decided that this Saturday was as good as any other day to take a day off.  Good for him/her. It was eerily still.  I had one of those goosebump-inducing moments like one I may have shared not too long after I moved into My Little House in the Desert, literally (shout out!) one year ago:

I was sitting out front (facing pretty much due south), watching the incredible purples and pinks move across the sky, when I heard what sounded like a duck.  (No, we don't have ducks out here...)  I turned to see two healthy looking ravens flying low and letting out a few verbal cues...  As they banked over the southwest corner of My Little House in the Desert, I heard that distinctive - nay, I should say I felt it! - whoosh, whoosh, whoosh as they glided by...

Whoosh...        Whoosh...             Whoosh...              

So cool.

So freaking cool.

So, I'll come back to the canvas and paint that picture for you momentarily, but I want to move on to the second new thing I tried to do today.  As I sat out front, I tried to be really, really still, to really focus on the here and now... To just let it all soak in...  I succeeded - for a brief few moments, at least - in just being. Just in the moment.

Tomorrow, I'm going to attend a yoga class for the first time.  I look forward to that.  I'm also going to add meditation to my routine.  I am ecstatic to say that my blood pressure readings have been incredible...  I have cut back on my meds and I continue to record readings around 120 over 70.  Routinely.  My resting heart rate is usually around 52-56.  I feel GREAT!!!!!

Tonight, I juiced.  Let's see:

Cucumber
Broccoli
Kale
Carrots
Beets
Strawberries
Ginger (accidental overdose - threw in the remainder instead of the knuckle I'd cut off...)  [Editor's note: Perhaps we shouldn't use the words 'accidental' and 'knuckle cut off' within such close proximity?]

So, where was I?  FEELING GREAT!!!  That's where I was - and am!

Today was a good, productive, day.  I made a nice breakfast (shout out to the Hoser!), I watched the Syracuse basketball team beat Miami, and the game was quite entertaining.  I watched a little golf from Torrey Pines.  {Side note: One of my best golfing days ever was playing Steele Canyon in the morning, then Torrey Pines North in the afternoon...  Good times!}

After that, I decided I'd go check the mail.  There was nothing of any consequence there, but at least the 4 mile round trip was invigorating.  (Shout out to Mrs. Bearden - I would have spelled 'invigorating' with an 'e' - would I have lost the spelling contest????)

- We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog for a rant.  Please stand by:

I need to hook up the wireless router that I bought myself at Christmas.  There is a fire crackling in the other room, and I'm in here with you, blogging.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I like you guys and all; but I could be enjoying this AND a nice, warm fire concurrently...

Hence-with, a to-do list for tomorrow:

1. Attend yoga.
2. Finish grades for my students and submit paperwork to my boss.
3. Set up router - see, it made number three on the list!!
4. Sort laundry (yes, some activities are more exciting than others... I get it!)
5. Clean off kitchen table
6. Do dishes
7. Blog
8. Get ready for big test on Monday.

I think I'm going to go enjoy the moment with my fire...  I just got a flick from Netflix, and I'm gonna check it out.  

Tomorrow's blog to-do list:

1. Describe the horizons surrounding My Little House in the Desert
2. Talk A LOT MORE about the big text on Monday - yes, it has my attention.

Tonight's closing is brought to you by Zaire:

"You were BY FAR my favorite teacher this year. I loved being in your class, you were always sooo funny, entertaining, kind, and FULL of energy.  I loved the way that you ran the classroom, and even though I was one of only three other juniors in the class, you always treated everybody as equals, and as if we were adults and not just students..."

Getting up, wiping away tears...  Thank you, Zaire; THANK YOU, everyone...

Keep reading.  I'm bound to come up with something good sometime!

Okay, things seem to be up and running this morning; here's the post I typed last night (and edited this morning)

January 24, 2014

Let’s put a cherry on top of this week, shall we? 

The bottom line?  I’m a very lucky man.  Very lucky, indeed.

I had rehearsed a whole opening intro into this evening’s post, and it sounded pretty good, but I have to interrupt that train of thought – I just want to say right here and right now for posterity that I love my Peanut very much.  April, I have so much fun when I’m with you and Stella, and I love visiting you at work seeing you in the office kicking ass and taking names!  You are an excellent mother to Stella and a most loving and supportive daughter to me.

 

Thank you, Peanut.  A better daughter I could never ask for…  Be well.

(Hoser, I'm not ignoring you, we've said our peace of late...)

Back to the week at hand… 

I ended my professional work week at 3:30 today.  Yes, my quitting time is 4PM, but – as I may have previously hinted – it was a rather challenging week this week…  And it will be for the next few as we transition semesters…  That is just the reality.  There is, unfortunately, a direct causal relationship between the end of the semester and stress levels for teachers.  The added difficulty at our school is learning the new clientele that move in at the beginning of the new semester. 

Okay, enough of that whining.  Everyone has their challenges.

 

My friend, Kellan, asked me earlier today: “Tell me what’s going on?”  It’s taken me a half a day and one three hour dinner conversation with a dear friend to the change the answer I would have given 8 hours ago.  And that’s a good thing.  Nothing beats totally honest discourse between two human beings…

 

As I recounted the travails of the week (coming up with a thousand bucks for my car repairs, sobering conversations regarding prostate treatment, stress at school with no-show students, reporting deadlines, paperwork, grades, diets, women, dating, etc. ), it all fell away and took a back seat to what is really important.  What is important is that I have a chance to do something about each of these things - and each day is a new opportunity to do so.

It was also not lost on me that there was a certain rush of energy last week associated with identifying your enemy and taking dead aim on same; as well as the initial influx of good luck messages and statements of support.  One shouldn't be surprised or disappointed when people return to their own complicated lives, and one moves on to face the challenges at hand.  It’s just the way life works.  Sorry if that offends, but see rule number 3 for successful bloggery; it says “THOU SHALT NOT BULLSHIT”

So, as I am wont to do, I’ll follow the rules.  And, no, that is not sarcasm – stop giggling!  I mean it.  I follow all of most of some of the rules I agree with…  Okay.  I suppose that’s true now…

So, most of that was written last night...  I'm having a difficult time picking up the thread from there, so I'll conclude with a couple of dichotomous quotes today.  The first is from someone I love so very dearly, and the second is from someone I don't even know...

First, my dear, sweet, smart, talented, honest, niece, Jennifer:

"I love you, uncle Kenny.  Very sad to hear the news, but: You are a happy, positive, strong-willed man & will kick butt!!!  Just stay open-minded & think happy thoughts and good things will come."

Jenny, I think you are right.  I love you very much and I know that Austin is a good fit for you!  See you soon!!!!!!

Finally, we hear from two teen or pre-teen girls in Yucca Valley, CA.  I'll try to do this with dialogue (I suck at writing dialog; gonna have to get better at that before I publish my book).

The scene: Rite Aid in Yucca Valley, across the street from my school, Hope Academy...

I walk in with my student, Brendon, and we see two young girls near the one of the 'end-cap' displays... 

I hear the words 'cool teacher' and then giggling...  I look over and see that they are looking at me...

So, I say, "Were you talking about me?"

And they blurted, "You're the cool teacher from Hope!" 

And I said, "Thank you very much, that's sweet..."

They: Exit giggling like - well - school girls.  

Me: Smiling (Then and now...)

So is this what it's like to be a rock star?

LOL.

Be well, everyone.  I'll check back with you later.

Carpe Diem.

I got very little for you today, folks.  I am just drained.  It's been a very difficult week at work with very long days pouring over transcripts and class schedules and calculating grades.  Last Friday was the end of our semester, so there is a lot going on.

I'm still working on that big idea I alluded to in my most recent post.  I suppose it's going to be a tough nut to crack.  I made a few phone calls today, but more is needed.

As for my poor car, the insurance company cut a check for the shop today ($4200) for the new motor; my share is $1000.  Oh, well.  At least I have insurance, I suppose...

I may be with you later this evening, but I doubt it.  I'm just in the door, tired, hungry, and cranky.  Probably not a good combination for writing...

I'll let Christina have the last word tonight:

"Every single day, you make me smile, you make me laugh, you prove that you really genuinely care and you make us all really care about you. You're part of our hearts, Mr. P. Every time you tell us a story,  every time you sit down next to my desk and crack a joke, every time you make awesome movie references, and every time you listen to us (to me), you remind me of just how incredibly special you are. Obviously, I learned Stats.  I learned it thoroughly and to a point of confidence and comfort... Thank you for being here, for making me a better person, for being you...  Every student you teach, you touch."

Boy, did I ever need to read those words right now, Christina.  Thank you!

Good night, all.

I just had a life changing moment.

I will keep you posted.

I promise.

Rough day today.  I'm not sure why, but I am really mentally worn down.  Paperwork at school is kicking my ass, and I don't know where all that energy I seemed to have last week went...  When I was driving home from school tonight (I finally relented and got a rental car today), I turned off the radio and just tried to reflect on just why I was dragging my donkey...

I narrowed it down to a few things:

1. Not enough vegetables in my diet the last couple of days
2. Not enough sleep
3. Work stress


Vegetables - I had run out, but I got restocked yesterday due to the efforts of Zandria Barton.  Once a week she drives to a farm in Carlsbad (or maybe it was Oceanside) and returns with plenty of whatever happens to be in season.  I'll get produce and fruit (wait, is fruit considered produce?) each week direct from the farm via Zandria.  Sooooo nice.  In addition, I had some leftovers that I needed to eat, so no juicing the past two nights...

Not enough sleep.  I don't know about this one.  Last night I was in bed at 8:20 - of course, on Monday night it was closer to 11PM.  I have been losing weight, which is good, but...  Some of you know this, but many of your don't:  I have sleep apnea.  I am supposed to use a CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) machine.  A CPAP machine - besides being a major pain in the burro - is about what it sounds like.  You wear a mask attached to a pump.  Air is pumped CONTINUOUSLY into the mask through a 5 foot length of flexible tubing that kinks and binds and... well, it's just not fun.  The continuous positive airway pressure prevents you from opening your mouth (if you do, air spews out and you - and whomever may be unlucky enough to share your bed - are immediately awakened by the sound of rushing air... )

Almost every CPAP wearer hates the machine.  The key is that some people swear by it - and it saves their lives.  Others swear at it and put the dang thing in the back of the closet.  For me, the problem is worse. Even when I used the machine, I was not able to get restful sleep.  So, what's worse?  Wearing the freaking machine when it doesn't (appear to) help?  Or - don't use the machine at all and wake up 27 times per hour (the average number of apnea episodes recorded during my 4th - and most recent - sleep study) gasping to draw air through an obstructed airway?  I suppose when you put it like that, I should be using the machine.  I'm going to drag it out tomorrow night and see if it helps...  Tonight?  Nah, I'm too tired tonight... Irony?

Stress - A killer in many forms.  It's a tough time at work.  Lots to do.  I'm not immune to that stress.  Tonight, there were 4 of us still there almost 2 hours after quitting time.  Well, teachers are a special lot, and I work with some big-hearted people.

On that note, it's 7:47 and I'm going to bed.  Geez.

Final words tonight come from Aleya:

"Mr. P:  You're the most amazing, memorable, compassionate teacher I have ever had.  Each day, before or after you teach your lesson, you go around and talk to every student.  You don't talk about superficial small talk but you talk about real stories and what is actually going on in that person's life.  You love almost each and every one of your students, and I don't know how you can do that, or how you have that much love in your heart.  Your passion and care inspires me to be a better person, and to love more and hate less..."

Thank you, Aleya.  And, I want to add how very special it was seeing you and your cohorts this Christmas season in SM. Hopefully we can make it an annual event!


Good night, all.

That entry seemed a little dry, so let me wrap up the evening on a - um, I don't know... different note.

That entry (damn, I better not start the next line 'that entry' -  because that would be three lines in a row with that entry starting the line... Okay, stop it!  The guy behind the keyboard  - 'aka' the loose nut behind the wheel - is manipulating the outcome.  Yes.  Yes, I am.  So?

Just what I thought - harumph!  (Sure feels good to win an argument with yourself, doesn't it?)

So, that last entry was all about setting the stage for this post.  I have to remind you, I have 'sometimes-heimers' - it's not as bad as Alzheimer because it only happens 'sometimes' not Alz time...  Sooooo. Just in case you have read the following before, I will keep it brief.  It's time for me to slow down.  I have been teaching too many hours for too many years.  I have been chasing the almighty dollar like each and every one was the holy grail...  I only briefly held that dollar - before it wended it's way down the road to whichever debt I was repaying.  It has been a grind.  Whew.  I am so glad I said it.  It has been a grind.  I am worn out.

This isn't to say I'm tired of doing what I do each day - not at all.  This is me saying I only want to do one job right now - professionally, while I also take care of myself.

Oh.  I just stumbled on to it right there.  It is time for me to think about me and exercise selfishness.

Perhaps I am at the perfect school for me right now.  Everything does happen for a reason.  If I were still at Samo, I'm sure that several nights a week would still be spent watching dance revues, band concerts, water polo matches, tennis, baseball, wrestling, basketball, soccer, lacrosse, football, poetry slams, plays, etc.

I remember one memorable trip to La Jolla and sitting in on an Academic competition...  They were not accustomed to fans showing up, as it turns out.  (I am searching for the proper name for the competition in the deep dark recesses of my mind, but it could have been AcaDeca, but I'm not sure...) All I know is, those students were off the charts smart!  Wow!

I'm also seriously toying with finishing my dissertation.  In fact, leave a pro/con statement in the comments if you would.  I would only do it if I could change my dissertation topic...

I want to switch from a Correlational Study investigating the attitudes of California teachers regarding Merit Pay.  (My previous topic - and, actually my second topic - my first was an Phenomenological Study exploring the reasons why there are so few male elementary school teachers... - I still kind of like that topic, but my committee killed it, hence the merit pay idea...  Only problem with that is that I COULDN'T CARE LESS about merit pay.  There! I said it.

Anyway, I want to do a Phenomenological Study to discover how teachers deal with stress/burnout.  Did you know that about 50% of teachers leave the profession within the first 5 years?  Damn.  That is sad.


It's time for me to re-focus (I know, re-focusing implies I was once focused at all!)

The bottom line is that some of those 'going out' hours are going to be redirected.  Next up: Establishing a healthy exercise routine...  I'm providing my body with better fuel, now it's time to go burn it...

Tonight's closing comes from my son.  He doesn't pull many punches.  (PS - to read this entire entry, go to my post from January 17, 2014 that starts 'Good evening.' and see his reply down below)

"At times, I hated you, wished I would grow up to be nothing like you.  I of course was an idiot.  You are a great person with a big heart, a great father, and now a great grandfather..."

Just Petronis's being Petronis's.  (editior's note: I have no clue how to write that correctly...)

I love you, too, son.  Carpe Diem to you, good man.

Carpe Diem to all.

Speaking of 'Carpe Diem,'  I forgot to tell you that I rewarded myself last night for my super-productive day by watching 'Dead Poet's Society'  - one of my all time favorites.  If any of my students are reading and you happen to see the film, you'll pick up on a few things, I'm sure.  I get very motivated to teach every time I watch that movie.

My focus these last 24 hours or so has shifted a little.  I'm thinking forward to my treatments and trying to make sure that I am as ready for that ordeal as I can possibly be.  How?  Well, we have talked here previously about my lifestyle - specifically my night teaching job.  I've been teaching since 2006 - and ever since I started teaching, I have also taught classes at night.  I just looked at my 'adjunct faculty' contracts and I have taught 84 night courses since December 2006.  The money is good, don't get me wrong.  I make about $60/contract hour for these classes.  That is for classroom hours.  So, each class is 5 weeks for one night a week, 4 hours in class per night...  Now, this doesn't include prep time, reading time, grading time, and other administrative hours - like attending faculty meetings, training, etc.

So, let's do some quick math here:  (Stop your whining!! - I will do all the math for you!  Geez.)

84 courses times 5 nights per course = 84 * 5 = 420 nights taught (FYI, the average commute to these campuses for me is presently about 100 miles, so you can add about three hours of commuting per class, too.)

420 nights times (3 hours for commuting + 4 hours per class) = 420 *7 = 2940 hours...

Okay, so far we've calculated 'class day hours', now let's add grading and prep time.  For each 4 hour class, there is an equivalent of prep time.  In addition, each student has an average of 3 homework assignments per week that must be graded.  (To better wrap your head around that, most assignments are APA formatted papers varying in length from 500 to over 2000 words; I get to read, correct, grade, and feedback on all of these words.(Average class sizes at UOP are about 15 students...)

So, let's do some quick 'outside class day' hours calculations...

420 nights times 4 hours prep = 1680 hours

If there are 15 students, I spend an average of about 40  minutes (2/3 of an hour) per week on grading activities per student...

So, that's 420 times 15 times . 66 (to simplify, since 10 is 2/3 15, I'm just going to multiply 420 times 10)

That's another 4200 hours!!!

Let's add up those hours:

Class time + commute time for 84 courses = 2940 hours
Prep time                                                  = 1680 hours
Grading time                                             = 4200 hours

Grand total 8820 HOURS

Now, I don't know about you, but I could think of a lot of things to do with those 8820 hours besides working nights and weekends...

(Just for shits and giggles, an average work year is 2020 hours...)  That is 52 weeks times 40 hours per week.  That means I've worked an equivalent of an extra 4 years of full time work over the past 7 years.

Enough is enough.  Damn.  I almost wish I hadn't calculated that...

Oh, well...  I'm going to go do something to get my mind off this now.

I may see you again later this evening...  We shall see.

I slept well last night and I'm having a hard time dragging my butt out of the bed and into my cold morning routine.  One real drawback of not having heat is getting out of bed in the morning.  It's nice and toasty under the covers, but brrrrr...  Not once you fling them back and head for the little boy's room!  Speaking of the little boys room; that's the location of the only mirror in the house.  I hardly recognized the naked man looking back at me.  I've misplaced a couple of love handles and seem to have traded in my pony keg for a 40 ouncer - don't be expecting a six-pack anytime soon, though!  The transformation is uplifting and motivating, though, I must say.

I'm getting ready to head into school for a half day or so.  I don't know about you all, but I HATE paperwork.  I am finding my current job to be very paperwork intensive...  I love spending time with my students, listening, helping, teaching, just being there for them.  But!!!  But...  But, I hate all the paperwork. Today is about tackling some of that paperwork.  I may have said this before, but transitioning to an independent study program from mainstream education is an adjustment like I've not experienced before.  I love the fact that I am a combination teacher, mentor, counselor, sounding board, etc.  It is what I've always done best...  As you read the affirmations (dang it!  that's the word I've been looking for - affirmations!!!  I've been calling them aphorisms - oh, well, humdinger...), you'll note that they almost always include comments about mentoring or the like; that is the role I always wanted to fill as a teacher and role model.  I've written this before, I'm sure, but the self-image of myself as a teacher was always to be that teacher who got invited to weddings, graduations, birthday parties, etc.  In retrospect, that is the teacher I am becoming.  I like that.

Well, I'm going to cut this short.  My fingers are almost warm enough to make some breakfast, then I'm off to work.  The last word today goes to Mani:

"Since graduation, I've reflected back on all four years of high school and realized that having you as my teacher and being in your class is where most of what I have learned has come from.  You taught me not only course material but more importantly how to be a better person and how to pursue what I love; you are living proof that through kindness you can have the biggest impact on a person's life and Mr. P you had one of the biggest impacts on my life.  I truly feel that that as my mentor and as my friend you have made me a better person."

Thank you, Mani.  I truly don't know what to say...

Carpe Diem, my friends.  I am off to work now.

It was, admittedly, a down energy day today.  I used to be a napper, but I haven't been for a long time. Okay, I have got to pause this narrative briefly to tell a 'napping story.'  Come on, I see some of you shaking your heads like, "Get to the point, man!", but I see more of you smiling because every now and then, my stories are worth it....  Anyway, without further ado, here is the story:

I was working at Kodak in Whittier, CA, circa 1996...  My boss had moved out during a divestiture and left me behind as the chief HR mucky-muck.  Well, I have probably been suffering from sleep apnea most of my life, and I snore something fierce.  Plus, with sleep apnea, you don't get restive sleep at night, so an afternoon powernap is better than a cup of coffee.  *According to the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine that short period of sleep (AKA, a nap!!!) has been shown to improve alertness, memory, decision-making, and mood among others...*  Dr. David Dinges first shared this hypothesis in the 1980s and several studies in the ensuing three decades have borne him out...

Now, in 2014, 6% of companies actually have 'sleep rooms.'  As a teacher, a daily catnap during my prep time always provided a welcome boost of energy.

Well, in the 1996 workplace? Not so much.  So, imagine the sounds emanating from my office every day around 2PM? I'd close the door, lay down on the couch - okay, it was a pretty good-sized mucky-muck office with a conference table, couch, desk, etc.  Hey, I used to be somebody!  Not that I'm not somebody now, but.  Well, you know what?  We're here now; let's lay the cards on the table...  One of the reasons I became a teacher is that I hated being 'the boss' when I was in the corporate world.  I did enjoy HR, however. Having said that, I am so happy that I am doing what I do now.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason.

Anyway... that may have been the most boring segue story ever, and I doubt it will make it into the movie, but hey - this is what you sometimes get with stream of conscientiousness writing...  You've got to suffer through some non-sequitors and dangling participles to get to the good stuff...

The whole point of the story was that I'd nap on that couch and rattle those walls for twenty minutes every afternoon, for two years...  Until 1998, when I got laid off.  Well, it's not really that dramatic, but I sensed the whole 'napping story' sort of fell apart, and then I tried to save it with a spectacular ending, but you can't put lipstick on a pig.  [Apologies to all for this particular metaphor, but I got stuck there...]

Move along people, nothing to see here...

Rarely does a detour down 'anecdote lane' blow up that badly.  Ouch.

Crap, I had to scroll all the way back up to the top to see what on earth my point was to begin with...  Napping.  Haven't had the urge to take, nor have I executed, a nap in several weeks.  And, as I've shared very recently, I've been feeling great.  So, why the urge to nap today?  I'm not sure, but I didn't get as many vegetables today as I've been getting...  Could be a connection.  Reminder to self: Stay the course on diet and exercise.

OR....  Just listen to your body!  There will be times that the energy is so readily available that I'm a white tornado, cleaning everything in sight - like yesterday.  Or, days like today.

Bottom line:  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Let yourself slow down.  Let yourself heal.  Let yourself be.

I just realized I'm talking not only to me, but sharing this advice with you.  When I write, I feel as if I'm sometimes sharing (stories, research), sometime musing (reflection, rhetoric), and sometimes engaged in self-talk.  For the sake of argument, you may view any of my self-talk as an opportunity for you to reflect on your own challenges, demons, strengths, assets, solutions, etc.  My fervent desire is that you just keep visiting with me and reading the blog.  There it is for me!  My metaphor for this blog!!  It's like you're visiting me in my little house in the desert, or the bell just rang and you're walking in for 2nd period AP Statistics.

*************  IT"S A CONVERSATION ************* A CONVERSATION **********

As such, a conversation requires dialogue.  So, all I ask are these two things:

ONE>  When you visit the blog, leave a quick comment on any entry that you either enjoyed or one which made you reflect or one that is confusing and you'd like clarification or one that I never got around to the 'punch line' as it were...  Make a quick comment, and I promise I'll reply to any and all.  I mean it.  Words cannot express how much this blog and your readership helped get me through this past week - your love and energy is felt, appreciated, and needed.

TWO>  Share it forward...  If you know someone who is struggling with a hard time, of any kind, someone who appreciates humor, of any kind, someone who has a brain, of any kind, pass this blog forward.  I see it working something like this...  FACEBOOK POST:  Hey, dog, I see you been a little down in mouth of late.  If you need a laugh, read this blog...  This dude ain't quite right, but he funny.  Peace, out bro...

Or this:  <Scene> Coworkers around the water cooler.  Edna from accounting and David from shipping are heating up top ramen in the microwave...
Edna approaches Dave....
Edna: "Hi, Dave."
Dave: "Oh, hi, Edna."
Edna: "Dave, I heard you shouting over the sound of two injection molding machines that you might have cancer, is that right?"
Dave:  "Oh, gee, Edna, that was a private moment between me and the lathe operator; I'm sorry you heard me talking about my man parts."
Edna: "That's okay, Dave, it's a short subject."
Dave (looking bewildered):  "O-o-okay, Edna."
Edna:  "If you ever get to feeling low, I suggest you read this blog: ontheroadtomentalhealth.blogspot.com. It'll set you straight."
Dave: "Gee, thank you Edna, and my man parts thank you, too..."

And the director, Lorena Bobbit, yells "CUT" way too sadistically when man parts are mentioned....

Wow, where did I go? Writing dialog freaks me out, so help my out with my two small requests and I can have some actual dialog with you...  Or someone pretending to be you, using your phone with the app still open - rookie!  (Speaking of rookies, remind me to tell you about the time my phone called me - LOUDLY - in front of students and teachers...  King Douchebag)  - Thank you, Duker -

To summarize: Drop a comment, pay it forward...  drop a comment, pay it forward...


Bed time.  Tonight's aphorism brought to you courtesy of Tommy, written to me in some of my darker days:

"Keep fighting the fight, Mr. P. There is a way out of this, and although it does often seem inescapable, I can testy to the fact this inescapability is no more than an illusion. I suggest you go and find some intellectual outlet-- introspection can grow tiring, and for an intelligent guy, stimulation is key. Other than that, keep at it, and know the fight your fighting is an entirely worthwhile endeavor."

Thank you, Tommy, for the advice - and the compliment.  High praise to hear those words from someone of your depth.  I am always in your corner, Tommy.


Carpe Diem, ladies and gentlemen.

PS - If I get my work done tomorrow, I get to watch 'Dead Poets Society' tomorrow night!  Love that movie, love the ideology, and love the motivation I've drawn from this movie to be different.  Thank you, Robin William, et al.

A little more somber today.  You might say the chickens are coming home to roost. 

No.  Not the time to be cavalier; time to reflect.  

I was relieved when I found out I had cancer.

There.  Okay, I said it, and I said it for the first time either out loud or even to myself.  But truth is truth.

Now, I hope that you will allow me to explain:

1.     Based upon the test results I blogged about pre-biopsy (extremely elevated PSA, enlarged prostate, urinary symptoms, and pre-cancerous cells in a 2009 biopsy), I had already told people the I likely had cancer. Had my results not come back positive, I would have felt like the little boy who cried wolf - and wondering if my rationale was somehow similar to his...  No, I don't want to be that person.  So, I worried a negative test result would make me look like an idiot. 

  

I certainly hope you've came here for the truth and not some other bullshit.

2.     Since my first PSA result came back high in 2009, I’ve been forewarned that I would very likely have prostate cancer at some time.  Well, I’m glad it’s this time!  Had I gotten this same news a year or two ago, I would not have been as mentally strong and in such a positive place to deal with the disease. 

The defense rests, your honor.  Anyway, judge me if you will, I’m not getting wrapped up in that business anymore…  I like who I am.  I’m indifferent to other opinions.

Now, I’d like to get back the reasons for the somber mood.

Last night, I did some research on line, and shared some of those statistics with you. 

Today, I began – or should I say continued – gathering anecdotal data from friends and family who have been through this previously. 

Talking to these people (Thanks, Johnny, and Jackson…) has reminded me that the treatment options and the attendant consequences are no trifling matters.  So, this past week may have been about getting by on the relief of finally getting the diagnosis, then on the initial outpouring of love and support…

I say 'initial outpouring' because frequently we return to our own lives, and we always "mean to..." "I mean to call" or "I mean to write" or "I mean to visit" or "I mean to read the blog" or "I mean to comment on the blog" or "I mean to..."  

Don't "mean to", do it.

Make no mistake.  The heavy lifting begins now. 

Today is about watching football and making those phone calls. 

I’ll summarize those conversations with you in our next conversation.  Be well. 

Editor's note:  This post was written this morning just before noon...  Technical problems prevented posting at that time.  I did have some of those conversations today, but I am headed to a nice soak in a eucalyptus-infused bath...

Today's aphorism comes from Elena:

"... You are an incredibly strong person, with great intentions and one of the kindest souls I have ever met. You have such a huge network of students and friends who care about you...  Stay strong, and I know that things will turn out alright! ... You have positively impacted so many lives..."

Thank you, Elena.  You are so very sweet and kind (and wicked smart!).

I started the last post expecting to get into my latest doctors visits, tests, etc.

First, the good news: My blood pressure continues to be stellar.  I'm feeling great, and I've got lots of energy.

Here's what's on the horizon:

January 27 - Nuclear body scan:  They will inject an iodine dye into my body, then put me under an electron scanner that detects the presence of hot spots (potential metastasis) throughout the body.

Good news: The procedure is not painful and my doctor tells me that only 2% of prostate cancer sufferers will see any abnormal results with this test...

Bad news: Positive (bad) results from the scan create a whole 'nother level of cancer treatment protocol.

February 4 - Meet with my urologist to see the results of the scan.  The outcome of same will determine the treatment options.  Currently, the following options are on the table:

• Surgery (prostatectomy) - My doctor described this procedure as the 'gold standard' of prostate cancer treatment.  
• Good news: Most effective method of eradicating cancer still encapsulated within the organ.
• Bad news: Very serious side effects.  During the procedure, the vas which supply semen to the urethra are removed, and damage to the nerves is common.  According to WebMD, about 50% of men regain some control over their erections.  As my doctor said, with no vas, there is no ejaculation (I guess my burgeoning porn career is over...).
• Bad news: After the prostate is removed, the section of the urethra from the bladder is rejoined to the section in the penis.  Studies show that 15-50% of men still experience urinary control issues one year after surgery.
• Radiation - There are two types of radiation treatments presently:
• External Beam Radiation comprises visits to the clinic 5 days a week for 8 weeks to receive radiation treatment.
• Insertion of radioactive seeds. The seeds are injected directly into the prostate via long needles (performed under general anesthesia, I think).  One side effect I know regarding this therapy is the need to avoid close contact with small children, such as having Stella sit on my lap.

Summary of treatments.  The efficacy, side effects, and long term prognosis will be the most important factors in my choice of  treatment.  One consideration that my doctor explained to me is that once a radiation treatment is pursued, the surgical option is off the table due to the damage done to the cells.

So, a lot to think about and research.  For now, my priority is getting on top of my paperwork at school.  I know, I know, back to the mundane minutiae...  Hey, it can't be all car chases and rainbows...

Good night, friends.

I will see you again tomorrow.

Carpe Diem. 

I've decided to end with another aphorism.  This one comes to us from Alba:

"... know that you are in my - and so many people's thoughts right now.  You were a terrific friend to so many at Samo [Santa Monica High School] and I have always believed that that sort of kindness must bring with it good karma.... everything really will be okay." 

I heartily concur, Alber...  Peace.

Let's get down to business.

I have been decidedly upbeat of late, and I know that this will not always be the case.  My current euphoria is fueled by the outpouring of love that I have received from everyone, but the second factor is even more important in my present state of mental health...  I have taken control of my own life.

Let me say this again...  I have taken control of my own life.

I. have. taken. control. over. my. own. life...

I am ENORMOUSLY proud of myself.  The hardest thing for a procrastinator (at least this particular professional crastinator...) to do is to START something.  It seems once I've gained some momentum, I'm off...  But the start.  Ugh.  A procrastinator's favorite day is manana...

I've decided my life is about today.  Every day.  CARPE DIEM!  Hell, I have those words tattooed on my arm, now I get to live it.


Now, back to my mood, because this blog is about my search for mental health after all...

I know as sure I'm flying sky high right now, that I've got difficult days ahead:

When I met with my doctor on Tuesday, he outlined treatment options.  I'll get back to those in a moment, but first, here's what's upcoming:

The past couple of days have been spent in myriad ways - yes, I know, I am not unique in this regard, but bear with me, please.

Just off the top of my head:

The diagnosis.

The communication.

The realization.

The nostalgia.

The awakening.

The crying.  (I'm going to expound upon this - I'm not talking about crying like, "boo hoo, I have cancer."
No, I'm talking about comments like this one from Kalina:


"You have positively influenced so many people in more ways than you can know.  You were the teacher that we all trusted and viewed as a friend and mentor.  Your optimism and positive energy is inspiring for and everyone is here for you.  I think experiencing difficulties in life just make that person even more stronger as you have proven."

I cried 4 times just typing those words now...  I'll bet some of you are misting up, too.


The reflection.

The mindset.

The plan.

The passion.

The growth.

The next chapter...



I really logged on this time to share my next steps medically.  I don't want to make any self-aggrandizing statement here regarding the purpose and destiny of the blog...  When I write, I just write.  Some days I may talk about coyotes and bonfires, and on other nights, I may be discussing the latest prostate cancer research or my own symptoms, etc.

I promise I will come back soon to share my current and upcoming medical appointments, my own research, my prognosis, etc.

PS to me:  as I've mentioned before, I really don't go back and re-read the blog, so I have no clue why I'm writing this PS here for me...  Oh, well.  The PS is to remember to come back to this list of 'phases' or 'steps' or 'thoughts' whatever you'd like to call them.  I'll cut and paste them into a word document.  Oooh, said the Luddite!  I can copy and paste!!!

Ciao.




Thanks, Kellan.

Great news!!!  My 'blogmaster', Kate Bailey Petronis told me that I could change my settings to allow comments from all, instead of only Google + users....

Yaaaaaay!!!!!


Please leave your comments on the blog now; I sooooooooo look forward to reading your comments and feedback!

Peace, out.

This may be all I write today, but never say never...

Good evening.  Not much to say today, but I want to be in the habit of writing every day, so here we are. Let's start with the good news:

1.  I got to ride my Harley to work today.  It was about 40 degrees when I left this morning, but so what?
2.  My car may not be totaled.  I hope not.  It's paid for, it's got new tires, new water pump, battery, and I just installed a Sirius/XM Satellite radio (a Christmas present to myself, than you very much).  I am hoping to get another 130,000 or so miles out of that unit.
3.  I continue to receive messages of support and love.  Lisa B. wrote: I start reading and I can't stop...u r an amazing human being, heart and soul... you are truly loved.  Yes, Lisa, I am.  I cannot deny that...  My coworker, Mo, sent such positive thoughts and well wishes (you can read her comments after my most recent posts).  My Samohi students continue to reach out and support me well beyond the classroom. The love has lifted me and carried me forward.  I have so much I want to do; thank you for pushing me, supporting me, sharing with me...

The bad news?

1.  It cost me a thousand dollars to drive a student home last night...  Now, this is in no way, shape, or form HIS fault.  It is clearly my own fault, but it did put a cherry on a particularly difficult week...  Anyway, I'm the one with the $1000 deductible on my auto insurance, but that's what broke people do; we look for ways to cut corners so that we can stretch our dollars.  (At least I have insurance! - I should have entered this under the good news column...)

That's about it for the bad news....  I talked to my brother, Danny, on the phone today about 4 times.  We are very, very close, but phone conversations have never been our thing...  We did share a mental health break over the phone, which was nice.  I also talked to my daughter, my son, and my mom and dad... So that's a good day!

I'm also delighted that my son is reading the blog.  You talk about someone who cuts through the bullshit, he is the one...  He will call you out in a heartbeat if he thinks you're being an idiot.  Thanks, Kenny.  I think you are an incredible human being - smart, outgoing, mechanically gifted, an excellent problem-solver, and a fun person to hang with...  I've had many regrets in my life regarding my relationship with you, but there are only a few moments I'd like to take back...  The one that haunts me is my comment to you when you told me that you were going to join the Marines instead of pursuing college.  If I recall, I said something to the effect of, "Good, because you are not college material..."  The unsaid part of that sentence, the part that perhaps I did say and you didn't hear, or maybe I didn't add it, was..  "... at this point in time." Let's face it - you thought you were in love, you were having second thoughts about everything - including your enlistment.  It is - and always will be - my position that 17, 18, and 19 year-old high school graduates GENERALLY SPEAKING are not well enough equipped at that age to be making decisions regarding colleges, majors, careers, etc. until they have lived life a little bit.  I believe strongly that 2 years (or so - depending again on the individual) should be spent in volunteer work, in the service, working, traveling, exploring, learning outside the classroom.  I fear that my careless words damaged our relationship in profound ways.  Let me reiterate - I think you are an awesome human being, capable of remarkable things... I can't wait to see what you're going to do next!  I love you, son, and I believe in you. Don't ever doubt that...

I think that's all I've got in me tonight.  Tomorrow will reveal it's joys and challenges in the morn; and I will write more then.  Good night.

Carpe Diem.

You just have to shake your head sometimes...  I have always been pretty good about not whining "Why me?"  I'm blessed in many ways, so why bother?  Or - put another way: I can't complain, nobody will listen to me anyway...

So, it was a rather uneventful day at work today.  I love my boss and coworkers - I know, I know, I've said this before - but it does bear repeating.  I'm still getting used to my diagnosis and my mind is taking unscheduled vacations from time to time, but I'm pressing on (thankfully we have a 3 day weekend so that I can finish first semester grades, prep for the next semester, and fill out schedules for my students).  Yes, this is the life of a teacher and if I hear one more pundit bashing teachers, well...  Okay, I don't know what I'd do, but grrrrrr...

So, what was noteworthy about today?  Five minutes to quitting time (4PM), I've got a student sitting at my desk.  He missed the 3PM bus so he was biding his time.  I said, "Hey, you better get out there, or you'll miss the 4 o'clock bus, too!"  He says, "The next bus doesn't come until 5, I'm waiting for it..."  So, of course, I did what most of us would do, I offered him a ride home.

Now I'm not sure I've fully described the place I call home these days and the surrounding environs, but it's desert, and lots of dirt roads.  My student happens to live on one of the latter, and he guided me skillfully to his humble abode without incident.  Well, one interesting thing did happen on the way home.  My eighth grade student proceeded to lecture me about the benefits of medical marijuana.  I really didn't know what to say, so I thanked him for his advice, dropped him off, and headed up the road in the direction that we had not traveled on the inbound route.

This is where things go slightly awry... The sun was largely gone on this remote stretch of road and I couldn't really make out any obstacles on the roadway.  I do happen to drive a special edition braille equipped car (okay, this is humor FYI) and my car managed to feel it's way down the road and over an embedded rock.  The trip home for me then consisted of a tow truck ride to a mechanic; after which the kind tow truck driver, Art, dropped me off out at my mailbox.  I walked the last 1.6 miles in the dark, with the moon eventually rising at my back...

As I've often said, "No good deed goes unpunished."  We shall see how much my kindness - and stupidity - cost me this time.

As I'm fond of saying, "Stay tuned!"

Much love to all.  Thank you again for all the love and kind wishes.  I am so blessed to such incredible friends in my life.

Carpe Diem.

Ken

I was just reflecting...

Okay, that's a lie.  I was flabbergasted - and excited - to see how many page views I had yesterday.  I write this so that it will be read, so I'm glad to see people are reading.  Very, very cool...

I was reflecting earlier in the day...  Okay, for the editors out there, that sets the truth straight.  Okay, I know, at this point I can see each of you nodding off and wondering, "When is he gonna get to the good stuff?" Well, (screenwriters, make note that here I am slipping into my Clint Eastwood voice) sometimes, I never get to the good stuff (in production, I should spit out some snuff or chaw or one of my lungs here).

Okay, that's too complicated.  Let's break it down thusly: I'm getting there!!!!  Give me a minute...

It's been 10 minutes (and one piece of wheat toast with butter and peanut butter) later...

The image came to me as I was walking from the kitchen to the bedroom.

For the past 28 hours, I have luxuriated in the warmth of an outpouring of love so incredible, so diverse, so heartfelt, so... needed.  Each of your acts of kindness and the energy is propelling me to act, to move, to think, to do...

You, my friends, have helped to launch me into the next phase of my life with positivity, hope, and a renewed sense of purpose.  I've - mistakenly, as it turns out - often thought of myself as a man with many acquaintances, but few really true deep friendships.  My dear friend, Victoria Campos, reminded me of another valuable lesson tonight.  She reminded me that the energy that you have all given back to me, is a reflection of the energy I put out in the world. Ironically, I've often felt guilty about not being able to do more...

And now?  Sleep is in my immediate future.  I go to sleep feeling empowered and loved.

Thank you.

Carpe Diem.

PS - Special thanks to Karen DeCelle for believing in me.

Cancer.

I haven't written, because I didn't think I had anything to add to my last post.  It was, in retrospect, an odd kind of limbo waiting for tests and then... test results.

But I'm not in limbo anymore; I'm in Cancerville.  I'm just getting used to the new surroundings, so please bear with me a moment.

Cure.

That's the next word upon which I'll focus...  I think it's far more productive to look forward than it is to linger...  I'm fortunate that I've known for the better part of 4 years that this diagnosis was coming.  It was, in fact, always one more 'digital exam' away.  By the way, digital exam is a misnomer.  Why don't they just call it: When the Doctor Shoves his Finger Up Your Ass!!, because that's all it really is.  DIGITAL EXAM sounds like something highly technical - like when I was in the Air Force and we got in a new digital multimeter or whatever... No!  There is nothing highly technical about a digital exam - in fact, I am fairly certain that digital exams are performed in correctional institutions all over this fine country every day
As my devil-may-care neighbor at work, Mr. Naader, said to me, "Prison isn't all bad.  Think of all those free prostate exams."  Mr. Naader shared this pearl with me when I informed him of my cancer diagnosis.  I couldn't have come up with a better response if I tried.  Thanks for the daily support, neighbor.  It keeps me sane.

THANK YOU!!!!!!  To everyone who reads this and all who have reached out to me via facebook, text, over the phone, as well as my incredible boss and co-workers.  The support and love I get from you is quite palpable.  I could not be in a better place in my life to face cancer.  Let me restate that last sentence please: I could not be in a better place to pursue a cure.   Better, isn't it?  I think so, too.

So, where the heck was I?  Oh.  I know.  Going to bed was where I was! It has been, to be sure, a day.

In summary:

Thank you!  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

My next project is trying to figure out if I can change the name of this blog to "On the road to cancer  prostate health?" Hmmmm...  I don't know; it doesn't trip off the tongue...   Could work...

Good night.  I'll come back with the details of the diagnosis, next steps, and treatment options, as well as the pros and cons of each.  Heck, maybe someone in my shoes will read this someday and use it as a rough outline of what one might expect.  (Individual results may vary - see important disclaimers on the "Do Not Remove" tag).

So, sally forth into this blog at your own risk.  If science, anatomy, physiology, chemistry, biology, surgery, and the inner workings of the male parts are in your comfort zone, then come along with us, my friend, as we part for...

THE PROSTATE ZONE....

Special apologies to Rod Serling.  

Good night.  I think I've done enough here.  Make of that what you will.  Peace out.

Carpe Diem!