It was, decidedly, a very down day today.  I suppose this is why I was asked oh so many years ago when I was working at Kodak, "Are you manic-depressive?"  Um.  I don't know, why do you ask? "Just wondering.  My brother has it, and you have a lot of the same characteristics.  Do you have high highs and low lows?"  Oh, yeah.  (Inside my head: Doesn't everybody?)

So, I think when I last visited you, the mood was nigh euphoric.

What a difference a day makes.

So, what happened?  I've been trying to put my finger on that for a while.  Let me just turn things over to the brain and let it guide my fingers...

I woke up this morning with a headache, and when I took my blood pressure, it was higher than it has been.  I got upset about that because I had hoped I could get off the meds.  I will be taking my BP again this evening and tomorrow morning.  If my BP is high on either of those measures, I'm going back on the meds.  This feels like a huge defeat for me.  It's quite deflating.  (I suppose I now know why the day at work didn't turn that frown around...)

I had hoped that eliminating processed foods from my diet had helped me get my blood pressure under control. Of course, this is elation-inducing on two levels: One, no more meds!  Two, instant gratification from changing my diet.  To say the least, it is motivating when you see positive results from a lifestyle change.  I'm trying to make many lifestyle changes right now.  Change is hard for me; I'm certain it is for many of you...  Some people do seem to recharge with change, but, that's not typically my modus operandi.

So, perhaps this failed experiment is now causing me to question my ability/dedication to change other aspects of my life.  Confidence is sure a fleeting bedfellow... One minute, you're on top of the world, and the next?  The next you're dragging your hindquarters around like cro-magnon man.

I packed the car this morning for the trip to San Diego to see April, Stella, and Grant for the night, then up to Placentia (haircut)/Huntington Beach (date), then Culver City to hang out with Tina and the gang for the Super Bowl.  In the back of my mind, I really didn't think that a three city/three night tour was a good idea, considering present circumstances.  But, this has always been me.  My brother, Danny, used to laugh at me for the way I scheduled my visits home.  I was under strict orders last summer when April visited that there was to be "NO agenda!"  So, I nicknamed it "The No Agenda Tour: 2013"  

So, I've waved off the trip to San Diego, and replaced it with a relaxing night at home. I'm blogging (duh), fresh off a soak in the tub, and a couple games of Sudoku.  It's 7:12 as I type, and I'm already in my jammies.  It's chilly, but I'm not up to building a fire tonight.  The bath did warm me all the way through, though.

Confidence.  Man, when you have it, there is nothing you can't do!!!!

When you don't, you'll try to avoid putting yourself in the way of failure (and success) every time...

My lack of confidence is hurting me right now.  Let's just leave it at that for the moment.  (I'm dancing around the elephant in the room right now, I know. But I'm not certain yet how to explore this topic further...)

So, given my mood, my outlook on life (at that point in time), my annoyance with my stupid insurance company, etc.  STOP, STOP, STOP.  It sounds like you're getting ready to roll out a litany of excuses and then try to mitigate something you did, felt, etc.  Just be real with it, okay?

Okay.

I'm just going to say that I'm having a hard time keeping up with all of the administrivia at work, but that is nothing new for me, either.  Paperwork is the bane of my existence...  Oh, well.  It is what it is.  And then, today, we were asked to pile one more thing on our plate.  Ugh.

So, I made it through the workday.  It was productive.  It was over relatively quickly.  I don't think I bit off anyone's head or growled at anyone...  By the end of the day, I'd decided that I was going to get a pizza and eat and drink myself into oblivion, but I thought better of it.

I've got a chance to make things better tomorrow.  I'm excited to get my hair cut. And I am very excited about my date!

Then I get to hang out with my dear friend, Tina, and watch the Super Bowl.  I don't have a dog in that fight, so I'm just rooting for a good game.  Overtime would be nice, wouldn't it?  Geez, I just realized I'm not in a single Super Bowl pool.  

So, I'll update you all soon.  I feel better tonight, just getting to relax and not rush around.  I'm trying to save some energy for the travails ahead...

I'm going to look for tonight's closing words now...

LMAO... Delicious irony in this selection.  Believe it or not, tonight's speaker, Leigh, talks about confidence in this affirmation...  C'mon, you can't make this stuff up!

"Mr. P: From the moment I walked into your classroom on the first day of school, I knew it would be a comfortable, happy environment, and that's exactly what it was.  You are the most charismatic, welcoming, and genuine teacher I've ever had. I loved every single conversation I had w/you over the year and I appreciate that I could be comfortable and talk to you about anything. One thing that's REALLY special about you is that you constantly try to make your students feel confident & good about themselves..."

I'm sorry, I'm going to stop now. The more I read and type, the more I cry.  I will try to share more of Leigh's thoughtful words later...

Thank you, Leigh. How I needed to read this tonight.