Quick note:  Regular readers suggest that this blog is best enjoyed from it's inception...  Have fun!


Okay, you can definitely disregard the previous entry - or, should I say that I took inventory and it's all good.  In other words, I think I may have committed a 'blog foul' because I shouldn't jump on the computer in the middle of the day right after receiving some unwanted news.  No, I think blog entries - who the hell am I to opine about others' styles, intents, and construction???  Let me start that over... I think that MY blog entries are supposed to express reflection and introspection, which dictates that entries necessarily be mulled over and considered before they are posted...  WTF?  What is going on here?  Is my brain staging a coup?


Slow down, sparky, and write what you mean...


Let me talk about the construction of the blog for a brief moment.  I know many people are blogging for various intentions - and I am sure some of those intentions are even clear to the authors.  Me?  Not so sure I know that answer to that query, frankly.  However, what I can tell you about the construction is this:  Most blog entries are written in a stream-of-consciousness manner at the end of a day perhaps two of reflection.  This morning's pronouncement that I'd had my heartbroken was cheap hyperbole - and that has no place in this blog!  Think of it - if I were prone to hyperbole and tall tales, how would you know when I'm employing one of those story-telling devices, or simply reflecting the facts as I recall them?  Perhaps for the first time in my life, I realize the value of credibility.  Perhaps a new disclaimer?  "I attest that the author truly did experience these experiences first hand.  Any similarities to other similar similarities are strictly coincidental and ironic."  Nyah...  Not necessary.  


Well, that's enough about that.  The message for me tonight was "Think before you blog."  D'uh.  You mean I could have skipped the three previous verbose paragraphs and come straight to the point???


What fun is that?

PS - Shout out to Bree:  Good luck on the interview tomorrow!!!!!!

Soooo...  I had my heart broken this morning.  That's life, I suppose.  Wish I could say more presently, but I'm still taking stock.  It's like I used to say to my brother, Danny, or my friend, Terry, whenever I crashed a bicycle are ate shit cross-country skiing.  My wing man might say, "Are you okay?"  And I'd respond, "I'm still taking inventory..."  Meaning, I'm checking to make sure all the parts are still where they are supposed to be and nothing is pointing backwards or something...

So, yeah, I'm not sure if I'm okay.  Still taking inventory.  I'll keep you posted.  

Hello, newer readers:  Regular readers suggest that the best way to read this blog is from the inception in September of 2012.  Ultimately, it's your call, of course.  In my mind, the blog is about a journey, one that I initially equated to the physical act of circumnavigating the US on the Harley.  How wrong I was...

Two things I suck at:  1. Shopping.  2. Preparing nutritious meals.  This needs to change immediately.

Shit, I swear.  I just started typing and you’d think that the most pressing issue in my life is venting about my shortcomings…  I gotta be the greatest procrastinator in the history of “Why do it today, if you can put it off until tomorrow?” What’s that you say?  You’ve become inured to my self-deprecating humor?  I suppose, but I’m in a bad place at present.  I need to get this out. 

I wrote recently of my fear of returning to the classroom in the fall.  Okay, this is 100% true.  No bullshit.  In the short term, however, it simply comes down to this:  Finish the dissertation equals huge uplift in my outlook on life.  Failure to finish has consequences equally impactful on my life’s arc; only this time I’m talking about devastation.  Psyche shattered.  If I were a poker player of any ability, I’d be announcing, “I’m all in!”  You see, folks, this dissertation and the EdD are the culmination of a lifetime of underachievement.  Of course, this refrain is probably familiar to regular readers, as well…

So be it.

The 600 pound gorilla who sits on my chest when I lay down each night is squarely in the center of the room.   It’s put up or shut up time.  I’ve been known to be pretty hard on myself for minor fuck-ups, social blunders, overspending, and occasional over-partying.  Can you imagine the wrath I could bring to bear upon myself for failure to complete this assignment?  I mean, what the hell?  Do I have the ability to complete this task?  Hell, yes, I do.

Re: Blog Frequency -  I visited you some time ago.  I really do need to increase my discipline (duh) and blog daily.   

I hope to get in the routine.

I’d like to go out on a positive note, though.  I had an incredible week, capped off by baby-sitting my dear, sweet Stella.  I forgot how much energy that takes!!!!!  When I returned to the high desert from four full days on the road, I was a trifle worn out… 

Today, I suffered a little setback in momentum, but tomorrow is a brand new day.  Hope to see you all back here then…

Today, as I was texting with a friend of mine, the ugly truth crystallized…  My heretofore unspoken fear is that I will not be able to return to the classroom.  Or, more accurately, that my return to the classroom will be accompanied by ennui and incompetence.  I worry that the longer I am out of teaching, the harder it will be to re-engage the passion that makes me what I am in the classroom.  I will tell you right now, I am not the most talented teacher to ever set foot in the classroom, I am not the most prepared, I am not the most demanding, or the ultimate expert in my field.  No, my strength in the classroom lies in my heart – I really do relish the opportunity to help students, to share what I know, to listen, to reflect, to support, to engage.  On any given day, I couldn’t tell you what that looks like, but it both drives and nourishes me whenever I’m in front of my students.

Toward the end of last year, my energy levels had diminished to the point  BLAH BLAH BLAH!

That’s all just bullshit excuses!  The fact is that I didn’t do my best.  I had so much more I could have done to help my students grow.  I cannot return to a classroom until I know that I am prepared TO BE A TEACHER!  I am doing a disservice to my students – and myself – if I try to teach a class in which I am not 100% engaged.

I’m gonna get off that topic now…  I'm certain we'll return to this topic.

When I was traveling, each blog entry seemed exciting and new.  (Oh, my God, did anyone else just have the “Love Boat” Theme go through their head?  Love… exciting and new… come aboard… we’re expecting you…)  Just a reminder – I’m a Trivia Whiz.  You can ask my friend, Christy, if you don’t believe me…  Anyway, the road was naturally exciting, and it wasn’t hard to write this blog.  It was also a time of long days in the saddle, with nothing to do but think and reflect.  It was ideal for reflection.

Now, I’ve settled into some sort of routine at my new place in the desert, and I fear that this forum will devolve into some sort of dish of daily drivel.  Can’t do it, sorry…    I do, however, want to warn you about a turn that will be quite evident starting tomorrow.  My next – and perhaps most important – challenge begins tomorrow.  I start a one-on-one dissertation class with my mentor.  It’s now or never, folks, and – no surprise given my struggles with self-confidence – I worry that I’ll never get the damn thing done.

However, here are the facts:  I have my own space.  I have cleared my social calendar.  I am not teaching anywhere presently.  I will have internet service as of Wednesday.  I'm in a good place, mentally. And, most importantly, I know that I am capable of completing this task.  I will share my the process with you as it unfolds.  Wish me luck.

I would be criminally remiss (that sounds serious) if I did not share the most recent development in my life.  For the first time in almost three years, I have television.  The Direct TV dude came by today and hooked me up.  I got a basic package, and a standard definition non-DVR for 29.99 per month (32 bucks and change with fees/tax). The indulgence today was SportsCenter and PTI on ESPN.  Tonight, I happened across some sort of prime time soap opera on NBC, what crap!  Then, one stop up the dial, Seinfeld.  And not just any Seinfeld, mind you… No, it was the second to the last episode, where – SPOILER ALERT! – they get arrested and thrown in the slammer…  Needless to say, hilarity ensues.

So, TV time will be something that I will be managing as well…  I’ll keep you posted.  Nite all.

Hello, gentle readers:  From time to time, I suggest that the best way to read this blog is from the inception in September of last year.  I suppose it’s because you may get a better sense of who I am and what I’m jabbering about if you start at the start.  But, you know what?  My thinking and the offspring of said thinking – this blog – are completely random and non-linear, so knock yourself out and read it any way you’d like. 

It’s been an interesting day today.  I finally gave up on the great iPhone Internet Experiment today.  It was cost me an arm and a leg to get internet access using the phone as a hot spot.  So, today, I ordered a TV/Internet bundle that will greatly improve my on-line access.  I’ll just have to avoid the siren song of Pawn Star marathons and Storage War showdowns.  (I read that Dave Hester was suing the production company for planting goods in the lockers… Yup!)

Seriously, TV is just another distraction that I will have to manage, just like every other distraction (you’ll excuse me if I don’t make a list of those, otherwise I may be too inclined to indulge in one or two of them).

The counterpoint to losing out to the TV/Entertainment Industriocomplex (not quite sure of the right word there, so I made one up) was reconnecting with an old friend.  This is a person I spent many quiet moments with last summer talking about everything under the sun.  She’s a great listener and an even better friend, so it was nice to chat with her briefly today.

I’m not certain yet that I shared this new with you, but I finally received my back payments from unemployment!!!  Yay, me!  This battle had raged since last July, and I had to go to court to prevail.  Whew.  At least I know where my next few farthings are coming from…

Life, currently, is moving forward in a positive manner.  I was happy to get my stuff up here to the house, but now I’m mired in the process of unpacking and organizing – UGH!  Professional Crastinators hate these chores the most, because I’ve got a chair to sit on, a bed to sleep in, a kitchen to cook in, and a fully functional bathroom.  That furniture and those boxes stacked up in the living room?  No problem.  I get everything I need.  “All I need is this lamp, and the ashtray…”  Sorry, requisite quotes from “The Jerk.”  Seriously, I’ve got all I need.

So, how do we solve this problem of apathy and sloth?  Simple – you schedule a party for one month from move-in.  I’ve now got 22 days to whip this place into shape for the big shindig on March 30^th!  That’s one way to self-motivate.  So, all of you who are reading this, make sure to mark your calendars.  Saturday, March 30, starting at 1PM here at my humble abode, everyone is welcome.  The party will end whenever the last guest leaves, which looks like Tuesday, April 2^nd according to early RSVPs.  I have plenty of room on the property for tents if you want to bring one.  I love my friends and I’ve driven countless miles just to visit with them, but this is my chance to host! 

By the way, you will also have the sweetest little baby in the world in attendance.  My peanut, April, as most of you know, had her own little peanut last May.  Stella, otherwise known as the center of my universe, will be 10 months old when she attends the soiree.  Wow – time really does fly.

Speaking of time flying, I did some math the other day and I was not happy with the outcome.  Here is the thing… I absolutely intend to return to a classroom this fall.  I do not know where, what subject, etc. but I am fairly confident that I’ll be somewhere when the bell rings.  That being the case, if I left school last June 17^th, then I have been ‘on sabbatical’ for almost 9 months.  That means I’ve been off longer than the time I have remaining.  Bummer.  Oh, well.  I still have about 5 more months to get my feces in one container – or, if you prefer, to get my shit together… 

Tomorrow is filled with coffee, breakfast, haircut (thank God!), and a housewarming party, but next week is shaping up as a productive one.  Yesterday, I went to the health food store and bought ingredients for homemade granola.  Holy crap, the recipe made 15 cups!  I will have yogurt and granola breakfast for the foreseeable future.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Okay, stop.  Stop.  Just freaking stop!  Dang!!!!  Is this blog turning into a repository for every day minutiae?  I made granola… blah blah… I took a dump… blah blah…  I woke up at 5:15… blah… blah… Fucking blah…

I’m going to shut it down for today.  I started out with some important thoughts and I devolved into something else.  The blog – like me – continues to be a work in progress.

I hope you’ll hang with me.

Today is a banner day for me.  I am reunited with (most) all of my earthly possessions here in My Little House in the Desert.  In case I haven’t mentioned it in a while, I freaking love it here.  Sorry.  Ahem. 

Whew… searching for my composure here. 

Today is a banner day because I get to make progress in my life.  Right now – as I type this.  Since last September, I've regaled you with deeds both mischievous and mundane.  I've taken you along as I've ridden my trusty steed across this insanely beautiful country.  I've shared a moment or two reflecting, recalling, and reminiscing about different friends, and different capers.  And it’s been a lot of fun.

 

It also hasn't been very honest.   I've shared all those great times with you, and, conveniently, I've only expended energy on the blog when I've had POSITIVE energy.  I've largely ignored the keyboard during my periods of pain, and doubt, and anger, and frustration, and self-hatred, and self-destruction, and searching… searching.

 I, frankly, didn't write about the low times of the past few months, battling with the government for unemployment, sleeping in the car on nights so cold I had to run the heater every couple of hours, bouncing from family to friends to family to the road to family, always family. 

So, I come to the desert to be alone.  To process what’s happened to me over the course of the past few years of my life.  I am hoping that, once renewed, I may rediscover my passion for teaching.  And part of that process is writing.  I have the pleasure (no sarcasm intended) of writing these next few months utilizing both sides of my brain.  My JOB for the next four months is to complete my dissertation.  It's a big part of my life, so you'll be hearing more about the dissertation process.

The only way this blog works going forward is to work at it going forward.  That may sound grandiose - perhaps plain dumb, but  if I could give myself some direction, some guidance, a little sage advice…

WRITE SOMETHING EVERY DAY, YOU STUPID IDIOT. 

Okay, that is some good advice.  Anything else? 

BE HONEST.

Absolutely. 

REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD.

Thanks.  I needed that reminder.

Let me bring in Michael Buffer right here:  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a decision!  The blogger agrees to follow the above three tenets in all of his writing: WRITE DAILY AND HONESTLY.  BE KIND.

Okay, bring in the narrator again.  Narrator?  Yeah, narrator.  Okay, those of you reading at home, help me out here… when you read a blog, a book, a graphic novel, an e-mail, any correspondence… do you hear a voice narrating the words as you read  them?  Do you almost feel as if the words are entering your body through your ears?  If you know what I mean, raise your hand…  C’mon, get ‘em up there…  Nice.  Now, look around confidently, and know you are not the only person with your hand in the air.  Sweet.

Before I go tonight, I’m, um, trying to find the right way to introduce this exemplar.  I think it illustrates how life [OKAY, STFU!!! IF YOU’RE GONNA WRITE IT, WRITE IT, AND STOP ALL THE DAMN JUSTIFYING AND ‘COUCHING’]

Okay.  Here goes.  My mental health ‘issues’ have always been about highs and lows. 

Shit.  I’ve written - and rewritten - these last few paragraphs multiple times.  Stop stalling. 

An incredible high for me was being able to attend the Supercharge Your Soul (SYS) House Show; a concert where many former SAMOHI students wowed me again with their incredible musical talents – and lots of hard work.  I can’t begin to express my pride and admiration.  I am honored that they have shared these gifts with me.  

I have to add this includes the athletes, the artists, the dancers, the thespians, the scholars, the stoners, the storytellers, the dreamers, and any student I had the pleasure to meet and to know.

The low? The low was walking out of there that evening, around the corner, and into my strategically placed car.  Let me just say right here that there is one key to getting good, proper sleep in an urban environment. It is essential that you park your car in such a manner that neither streetlights nor headlights will shine directly in your face.  It may be necessary, on occasion, to move to the passenger seat if the angle of a lamp, the presence of a tree, or the desire to remain is invisible are of concern.

Thankfully, that evening I had driven through the neighborhood early and secured a prime space.  Not three parking places behind me was a construction site, which is another huge convenience in urban car-camping.  This is especially true for one taking daily diuretics to get his or her blood pressure under control.  It was – by Coastal Southern California standards – very, very cold that evening.  Those that attended the concert may recall that gloves, scarves, and blankets were ‘hot commodities’ that night. 

I sat in my car that night reflecting on those wonderful, warm, intelligent, talented students.  Then, I turned my gaze inward and I asked myself why I was freezing my ass off on a cold December night in front of 1411 Hill Street in Santa Monica?

No answer.  Wrong number.  Sorry. Try again later.  I don’t know.  Huh?  Nice day, innit? Man, am I busy!

At that moment in time, I didn't possess the knowledge or experience to adequately answer that question - What brings you here?  I have no idea what brought me here. Time to do some more reflecting and learning, I guess.

It’s time for me to do work.  I've got to focus on my studies, and there is so much to learn about my new environment as well.  Soon the wildflowers will be blooming in Joshua Tree.  I freaking love it here!

I’ll be back.  I have to reflect a little bit about tonight’s entry.  I know I have to explore and learn from the lows; as well I did from my highs. 

I should have written during those low times.  Many people have reached out to me to tell me that they are in my corner, or that things I have written resonate with them, or just ‘hang in there’ or ‘I love you.’ Thank you.

 

Michael Buffer again…

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time since June 30, 2012, this man gets to sleep in his own bed. 

I can live with that. 

I’m not sure what word – or more accurately what sound (such as accompanies an emerging butterfly) should signal the return of this slumbering blogger.  Seriously, this is the supercilious crap that I've been thinking about recently.  I mean it! If you could somehow interview my brain, you will know that this (figuring out how to restart) has been holding up the return to the blog –how do I restart this thing after going underground for 5 months?  Where are all the grand adventures?  Where are the wittily-crafted, pithy observations on human nature?  (Um, are you sure you are returning to the correct blog?)

Okay, so enough of this verbal constipation.  I have remained on the sidelines for too long and I’m just now rounding back into some sort of form (as we like to say just before the Masters. i.e.  His game is really rounding into form heading into Augusta…)  Footnote to this paragraph – I HAVE NO IDEA whether I used i.e. properly, or if I should have used e.g.  Please try not to hold this transgression against the author.  Any errors, real, imagined, or intentional are the sole responsibility of [Insert Laptop Sponsor’s name here].  Oh, wait.  Good idea on the corporate link, but as I re-read that sentence, I should think I’d be better off introducing my new sponsor [so-and-so] in a much better fashion.  Our copywriting department is working on that now.  Please stand by for updates.

But enough with the preliminaries!!!  I’m back and I’m, well, back.  You know.

So, sit back, relax and grab an adult beverage (only those old enough AND responsible enough should consume alcoholic beverages – PSA) and enjoy these ramblings through an imperfect world.

It’s a world where weird shit keeps on happening, whether I’m sitting here on my patio, or hiking in the high desert.  It’s moving, writing, thinking, resolving, moving, painting, deciding, doubting, doing, sitting.  I guess you’d say it’s ‘living.’  We all do it, and, thankfully, we all do it differently.  That’s what makes it so darn interesting. 

I’m ending this here tonight.  Wow –sounds like I’m breaking up with my laptop or something!??!  Wait – I could replace it with a better one from [Ta da! – New corporate sponsor]  LOL

Ouch.  Okay, I realize I just wrote LOL.  Please, please, hold your bombastic rants about how texting has set back the English language a hundred years AND communication back another 200!  I get that already.  No, this is a tacit admission that occasionally in the interest of authenticity or slang (or perhaps just to appear young, hip, and cool), I may use an acronym or some euphemism to emphasize said hipness.  Get over it.  Or, shut the front door.  Oooh.  I’m trotting out the big guns now.  Be careful, though - you don’t want to use up all your firepower on the first night.  

What’s that?  Oh, the mouthpiece from my corporate sponsor just leaned in and asked for a re-write on the fifth sentence of the foregoing paragraph (the uptight asshole even asked to be credited as an editor).  That does it!  This blog will and shall remain – at least where the department of redundancy department is concerned – forevermore sponsorship free!  We shall now return you to today’s irregularly scheduled brain dump.

So, I may no longer be on the road – physically – but I remain on the ever-elusive road to mental health. 

  

More to follow.  Peace.