I have to admit - and I couldn't pinpoint the genesis of this 'cranial preoccupation' - but, I've been wondering about my legacy of late.  Perhaps it was all that talk about Peyton Manning heading into last week's Super Bowl? Or the wonderful ode that my friend, Jimmy Spear, penned for his late father? Maybe it's the wake-up call attendant to a cancer diagnosis?

Whatever the reason, it's an interesting exercise - examining your own life and decisions.  Decisions.  Oh, how easy it is to look back on myriad decisions with perfect hindsight.  That is a harsh lens. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up too much over some of those decisions.  I'd give anything to rescind some of them, but most were learning opportunities in the end.



Time and space...

There is no escaping time and space.  Those first two paragraphs were written a good 4 or 5 hours and three mood swings ago.  Ironic that I'd choose the adjective (please, let that be correct! - Mrs. Krause, help me out here, would ya?) 'good' to describe those 5 hours.  It was meant in the colloquial sense of a 'good, strong' 4-5 hours, which translates to "It was at least five hours ago, but I can't commit to six..."  Of course, that's easy for men - supposedly we can't commit to anything.

Okay, low blow.

My point is that those 5-6 hours between second and third paragraphs contain a certain number of important mind shifts.  Let me recall them in somewhat chronological order...

• I watched the Syracuse Men's Basketball team beat a game Clemson squad at home.  That was fun; I don't get to see too many Syracuse games. 
• I went for a stout hike.  I left empty-handed seeking to meet my daily goal of moving for at least 30 minutes.  I returned the conqueror of not just 2 miles of loose desert terrain, but with memories of a different perspective on sunset - and also with a bundle of kindling wood, and a roll of chicken wire.  No, I do not know as of this moment how I will use the wire, but I know something will come up...  As for the kindling, I'm down to logs inappropriate for kindling, and need to make a trip to the nursery for firewood.  In the interim, I did the most logical thing - I've been bringing home firewood from my hikes - small, quick starting stuff mostly, but today was a nice bundle of sticks (I've used the term 'bundle of sticks' when trying to educate kids, but never in this context..)  
• I read a couple of chapters in my "Promoting Wellness" book.  Good stuff.  I am really energized that I've already made some of the lifestyle changes they recommend. 
• I made a tofu stir-fry with vegetables for dinner. [Side note: I have had that tofu in my fridge since Tina was here at New Years.  I was reluctant to tackle the stir-fry, and it came out okay - it needs more variety of vegetables and seasoning, but it was a good start.  I will make it again for sure.]
• I watched about 30 minutes of news and then about 30 minutes of Olympic coverage.  Too much 'packaging and fluff' in the Olympics for my taste these days.  [OMG: I have turned into a curmudgeon - the old guy who begins every sentence, "Back in my day..."  Crap.  Great news, huh?]
• I spent some time discussing life and living with my friend, Kellan. 
• I had a nice soak in the tub.

So, yes, my mind is in a decidedly different place now.

And I don't want to talk about legacy right now, thank you very much... No, I want to talk about empowerment and strength and separating what's right from wrong.  

I'm trying to take my responsibility to myself seriously.  I'm learning how to be more in charge of my own life, and it feels good.  Will it help me fight cancer? Absolutely.  Will it change my life in other ways, as well?  You bet.  I'm seeing some of those changes now, but I can't let my guard down.  Good habits are a 24-7/365 operation. That doesn't mean I'm applying for sainthood - in fact, according to my book, I'm allowed 1-2 glasses of red wine per evening...  My doctor, unfortunately, sees it another way and has proscribed alcohol...  Hmmm...  I may need to find some tie-breaking advice on that one. 

While I am on this subject, I would like to say a few words of advice, regarding, well... advice.

• Do continue to approach me with news articles, ideas, research findings, best wishes, prayers, etc.  
• Don't be insulted or hurt if I choose another option or direction from the one you espoused. Please understand, in the end I have to make the decision with which I am comfortable, and that means I've got to be doing my own research, too.  
• Do ask me how I'm doing.  
• Don't appear to be disinterested if I happen to tell you exactly how I'm doing at the moment in time, or how I'd felt for the past two weeks....  If you are disinterested, feign an important engagement and withdraw... Just know, if you are a friend of mine, and you ask, I will share. (Yes, you may all feign shock at this startling revelation...)
• Do maintain our routines. 
• Don't get squeamish around me now.  If we're friends, we are friends for a reason, and no topic is off the table. 
• Do be direct.
• Don't be disrespectful about it, but let's not ignore the elephant...

As I'm writing these suggestions, I'm cognizant that I am writing these things not necessarily for myself and my friends, but as general advice for dealing with anyone who is going through a difficult time.  Why?  Because I write this blog so that it will be read, and it's important to me that it is.  Why? (Geez, you're kinda pushy...) Because I hope that others will benefit from - or at least be amused by - my pithy observations and incredible insight (damn marketing people are always interjecting!) slightly skewed viewpoints on cancer and other matters of weighty importance; such as selecting just the right adverb...

So, please be good humans.  You can help me by continuing to read this blog; and you can help a friend who might benefit from that idiosyncratic (#%&ing marketers!) enjoy a chuckle.  Pass on the link to them along with your personal endorsement.  And be specific about it!  Saying, "Here is something you might want to check out when you get a minute..." is different than saying, "Dude (or Dudette)! This guy is nuts!  Check out what he said about spearfishing in Spearfish, MT, with a spear and a fish!"  Of course, I have never mentioned (to the best of my recollection, your honor) Spearfish, MT in my blog previously...  The bottom line is you read this stuff for a reason, when you share, share! Share the link and the reason you are doing so...  (Thank you, marketeers...)

For now, I'm tired, I've had a very good day, and tomorrow AM, I am headed to the mountains for a stout hike.  Later, all.

Carpe Diem...  (For the first time, I am learning just what that means for me - and to me.)

Tonight's closing belongs to me:

"I can do this. Not just cancer, but become a more evolved human being. It is within my ability to make it happen. No excuses."

That is all.