So, let's be honest. This blog may have started as a man searching for balance and a healthy mental outlook, but it has clearly morphed into a blog about cancer - specifically prostate cancer - and the tests, treatments, outcomes, decisions, prognoses, emotions, fears, etc. that accompany a diagnosis of prostate cancer.  I suppose some of these questions, feelings, concerns, assumptions, etc. accompany any kind of cancer, but I can't suppose that because I haven't walked a mile in those shoes.

These, however, are the shoes I'm in right now.  I'm a 55 year old male living in the seclusion of the California high desert, I have prostate cancer, I love my job, I hate working my second job, my retirement is far from secure, I'm single, I'm not sure I want to be single, I love my family, I hate having to rely on the kindness of strangers, I'm a good great guy!  How about that?  I list all these things and I end with "I'm a great guy!??!  Hell, ya!  I am a great guy.  I'm funny, loyal, energetic, generous, kind, outgoing, smart, an excellent kisser, a good friend, and a great educator.  (I'm not saying great teacher because my classroom management skills aren't the best, but I am passionate about helping my students; I can tell you that much. But a great teacher?  Not so much...)

So, it's hard for me to write those words -"I'm a great guy."  Why?  Why is it so hard to say that I think I'm awesome?  Why do I have to employ self-deprecating humor and false humility? Why? Is it my strict Irish Catholic upbringing? Is it that I detest braggarts, blow-hards, and insincerity in all forms?

Or is the problem deeper than that?  Do I feel somehow unworthy of praise and exultation, adulation???

Of course, I know the answer to that question.  I've never felt worthy of that kind of praise.  It feels good, hell, it feels really good...  But only on my most confident, self-assured days do I let myself think for even a moment that I am something special.

I remember one time at Kodak (Dean Smith, you could make a killing right now...), the CEO was visiting the department I managed, the Assembly Wet Lab for Ektachem 700 and 400 Blood Analyzers.  I was to guide him and his entourage through the lab.  While he was visiting, I called him by his first name and my boss was shocked - shocked, I say!  How could anyone have the temerity to call this revered figure by his first name!??!  I said to my boss, Harry, "I'm no better than anyone else; and no one else is any better than me..." It's been my mantra, I suppose, for many years.

So, do I feel 'justified' in jumping up and down (why, oh why, did I just get an image of Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch????) and saying "look at me!  I'm great!"  NO.  HELL, NO.  It's just not done that way....


Unfortunately, it's late, I'm tired, and I haven't had any kind of dinner yet...  What does that mean for you? It means that I'll be wrapping this installment up shortly.

Before I do, however, some quick news from my doctor's visit today.  I saw my Urologist, Dr. Wolfson, to get the results of my recent Nuclear Bone Scan. The good news is that the scan was pretty clean.  There was one spot on my eighth posterior rib that I'm going to have to get checked out with x-rays to make sure it is not cancerous...  My doc is fairly certain it is not, but an x-ray will confirm that.  My doc thinks it's an old injury - this would not surprise me, since I've broken several ribs in the past - and bruised the remainder for good measure.

So, I'm thinking positive thoughts.

I promise I'll touch base with you tomorrow night, but it's late and I need to eat something.  This is a good time for juicing :)

Tonight's final words go to Ethan.

"I appreciate how honest you are with your students and with me. You are the only person at this school I can really talk about Hockey with. This year would have been incomplete without you. It sucks that you are leaving, because I have a little brother who you could have taught.  Stay up, Mr. P. Life is mysterious, and sometimes inexplicable, but in the end, those who work at it will get what they deserve. You deserve a lot.  I see big things in your future."

Thank you, Ethan.  The words I am going to latch onto are, "... those who work at it will get what they deserve."

It takes work.  Whatever it is - it takes work.

Thanks for the reminder.

Be well, all.

Carpe Diem...