I'm afraid that my blog, like me, is dying...

As I get closer to my destination, it dawns on me that I am no closer to finding my place in the world than I was when I left California on July 3.  I've had a lot of time to think and I've nurtured a lot of thoughts.  I've questioned, pondered, mused, reflected, and considered, but I've had few - if any - real Eureka! moments.  So, where does that me, other than sitting in Albuquerque NM?  I haven't a clue.  I thought I was going to be collecting unemployment for a while once I returned to CA, but it looks like I've got a couple of part time night jobs lined up...  This poses an additional dilemma for me; specifically, where do I live when I get back?

This has been an issue that has really been eating at me of late...  I really wanted to be in San Diego with my peanut, April, and my granddaughter, Stella.  If I can get my schedule worked out, I may be able to spend some chunks of time there and still hang out with my friends in the OC and LA.  And, of course, writing my damn dissertation...  I'm glad I've always been nice to homeless people, because now I are one.   I may have said this previously, but it sucks that a 54 year old man should be this unsettled.  All around me, friends and acquaintances are retiring and enjoying life.  I do love teaching - most facets of it - and I think I might teach for another 13 years or so, enjoying my summers and drawing strength and energy from my students.  This is one of the greatest benefits of teaching, sending out love to students and receiving it back tenfold.  I just hope someone will have me...

I am looking forward to some of the places I'm going to visit in the next few days; Zion, Bryce, Monument Valley, Taos, etc...  The past several days on the bike have been stress-filled and weather-challenged.  The skies have been threatening, and Saturday I rode into a cold headwind that was so strong, it cost me 10 miles per gallon in fuel economy.  What Saturday's ride did provide, however, was some deja vu for me, since I had traveled down this same road 10 years ago on my first cross-country excursion.  I even took some '10 years after' photos in the same places I did then.

Another bonus in riding at altitude at this time of the year is fall foliage.  I didn't get to see a whole lot of foliage before I left New England, so I'm thrilled to be seeing it now.

Friday's ride from Lawton OK, to Portales, NM was stress-inducing.  I went due south, then straight west to avoid rain (for the most part, I was successful).  I need some new AAA maps and I pulled over to put my helmet on when I entered Texas.  At the same time, I called AAA to try and find an office in the panhandle.  I got the huge run-around on the phone, and got on the bike pissed because I wasted 20 minutes by the side of the road...  Riding in a bad mood is not positive, so I looked for a place for a mental health break.  I saw a sign that said "Lake Distraction" and I figured perfect!!   I pulled over, started stripping off layers of clothing and actually stood on this dirt road in the middle of Texas shirtless, letting the sun wash over me...

I was still singing "American Tune", but this time I was focusing on the lyrics I wonder what went wrong...

What went wrong?  In my two marriages?  First, I got married too young (19? too young!).  In the second, I got married too quick (10 months from first date to the altar).

What went wrong?  In my professional career?  I don't know... Too much doing things my way, perhaps?  Heck, I don't know, but Im sure I'll think about that some more today...

Stay tuned.