September 30, 2012

Had to pry myself away from Larry and Tina Gartz.  What awesome friends!  I enjoyed spending time with them just outside of Wilmington, NC.  Larry and I played golf and I think I shot a gazillion - or maybe it was 95.  Tina (Elizabeth) turned me on to an excellent book called "The Celestine Prophecy."  This trip is all about spiritual awakening and Tina cleared played a role in this process.  I found a copy of the book in paperback at a store in Daytona Beach and I am reading a chapter a day (more or less).  MUCH MORE ON THE BOOK LATER...  PS - thank you, Tina!!!

I headed south from Leland, NC, headed for Savannah, GA.  Unfortunately, mother nature had other plans and I ended up in a Super 8 Motel in Yemassee, SC, dodging raindrops and watching the US blow another Ryder Cup!!!!  WTF!!!!  I was reminded of a couple of things as I made my way south through the rain:

45MPH - A little rain in the face, no problem
60MPH - A little rain feels like a bunch of stinging needles
75MPH - A little rain feels like getting slapped in the face with a blanket made of nails!!!!

As I ride, there is usually a soundtrack for the day...  Remember, I've got no stereo, no iPod, no MP3 player, etc.  Whatever song comes to mind, I sing.  When I say I sing it, I mean out loud as if no one were around and no one could see me - I mean I belt it out!  On Sunday, that song was an old favorite of mine - Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" is a classic song of life on the road...  (Lyrics in italics)

Now, remember, I am reading this book that I started at my Friend Tina's house, and one of the tenets of the book is that we are surrounded by coincidences.  As we learn, these coincidences happen for a reason...  I cannot control these events, any more than I can control the songs that come into my head.  For the uninitiated, here are the lyrics (as I sang them - they could be off just a little bit...) along with my thoughts on the salient meaning for me:

On a long lonesome highway, East of Omaha
You can listen to the engine moanin out it's one lone song
And you think about the woman, or the girl you knew the night before


....  Yes, I think about the woman....  When I became single again a few years ago, I went to reconnect with an old friend, Mandy.  She told me as a single man that I would be - her words, not mine - a 'hot commodity.'  Remember, I was coming off my second failed marriage and I don't feel like a hot anything, except maybe a steaming pile of horse dung.  Mandy, however knew better than I...

Yes, I am thinking about the woman.  I am  thinking about where I am going next, relationship-wise...  During my period of singlehood, I have had the good fortune of getting to know some very classy, beautiful, desirable women...  If I were a Lothario or a lover of lesser scruples, I am certain I could have taken advantage of these kindnesses...  I, for what it is worth, seem to be incapable of this kind of behavior.  When I love, I love passionately and deeply, and if I don't feel these things... well, cheap thrills just don't do it for me. In the meantime, I think about the woman....


But your thoughts will still be wandering
... Oh, my God, I am nothing but wandering thoughts - have you read this blog?
The way they always do,
When you're riding 16 hours and there's nothing much to do
You don 't feel much like ridin, you just wish the trip was through

...  There are days I do wish that the trip was through, but I am happy out here on the road.  I am living, making my own decisions, living with the consequences of those decisions, gathering experiences, thinking, exulting, LIVING!!!

REFRAIN - I'm going to save the refrain for last.

You walk into a restaurant, strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you as you're shaking off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you, but you just want to explode.

... I do feel the eyes upon me.  I feel as if I am always being judged; not necessarily by strangers in a restaurant, but employers, principals, students, and anyone who sees me on the dance floor.  Why do I care so damn much about what these people think!??!  As I said previously, I LIKE who I am...  Why can't I just be confident in that fact and let everything else go like water off a duck's back?  [I thought very long and very hard about this question as I rode...  In the end, I am my mother's son - she is always aiming to please and I am always aiming to not disappoint, to rile, to create conflict...  I am always about trying to keep the peace.  This has cost me dearly in my life, especially my professional life...  MORE after the refrain...]

Most times you can't hear 'em talk, other times you can
All the same old cliches, is that a woman or a man
And you always seem outnumbered, you don't dare make a stand.

... There we go again...  Why not just make a stand?  Make a decision, stand my ground, support my position - why so much equivocation????

Out there in the spotlight you're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy you try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play

...  As a teacher, I relish the spotlight.  I love being on stage and I feel like each class period is a performance.  I definitely ascribe (subscribe?) to the theory that you cannot teach anyone anything until you have their attention - hence the 'performance.'  Unfortunately, as Bob points out so eloquently, every ounce of energy you try to give away - teachers, can I get an 'AMEN?'  I am so drained each and every day.  I know I am doing something wrong here, and it is something I need to improve as an educator - I have to put some of the heavy lifting onto the students' shoulders!!!  I feel like I am trying to do too much.  Too much lecture, too much modifying, too much giving, too much leniency.  IF I AM TO CONTINUE AS A TEACHER, I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE MY ENERGY AND THE "EFFORT BALANCE" BETTER - MORE STUDENT EFFORT...  I make it too easy, I fear....  Why?  I think it goes back to not wanting conflict.  But rather than saving me energy by not engaging in conflict, it is costing me energy in finding ways to avoid it...

Later in the evening as you lie awake in bed
With echoes of the amplifier ringing in your head
You smoke the days last cigarette, remembering what she said.

Well, I don't smoke cigarettes, but I can recall many a night I lay awake in bed agonizing over something I'd heard, said, not said, written, not written, should have said, should have written, should have ignored, etc., etc.  You get the picture....   Which leads me to the REFRAIN:

Here I am on the road again
Here I am up on the stage
Here I am playing the star again
Here I go, turn the page...

TURN THE PAGE INDEED!!!!   I have to learn to LET IT GO!  Whatever it is LET IT GO!  It does no good to invest so much energy in any negative comments...  Why do I let them weigh me down?  Why do I let them rule my mood; my actions?  WHY, INDEED.

It was a productive day on the bike.  Raindrops notwithstanding.  Thank you, Bob Seger.  From now on, I will try to turn the page...

Much love, everyone.  THANK YOU for the wonderful feedback!!!